Inevitably I

ok computer

2012-01-21T01:15:00.001+05:30

ok. soon, i am going to burn things up. and i would love it. oh! how i would love it. i would, i would. i mean lately i have been wanting to throw the anger out. and if you really think about it you might as well call me an 'anger retard' or 'slow' per se. and i cant understand that myself. some sort of sickness. and someone here will understand this; i want to be a badass. lol.

well, i thought i would write some joke out here, but this is a fucking blog. if i joke around who would know my miserable self. well i will tell you who would; no one. thats who. but i will write out the joke next time. whats the point of all this misery writing. all so very confusing and unimpressive. and whats with all the small case letters? well thats my style. unique isnt it.

and now i am thinking that what i should really do is to put a thick steel parting to alienate myself from all that and fire some bullets to the other end, just to keep the peace you know. its like 'you come fucking close to this steel thing, and boom boom xx caliber'. keep away. fuck off. bye bye. pretty face.

and my friend dylan moran, inspired by whom i was going to write a very very very derivative joke out here, is right. go out and just say it - 'I fucking hate you. I hate you so much that it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning to hate you, cause there isnt enough time in the day'.

whats with the capital letters now. you see, its said by someone else, it has to be proper!

flowers in december

2011-12-16T23:21:00.001+05:30

these two evenings have been very interesting. very depressing, yet very interesting. i have been advocating a dear friend of mine who has had a lot of shit in some relationship about the importance of freedom in any relationship. in reality i am very confused person, to the extent that i dont know what i like and what i dont like and what i want and what i dont want. but i am all up for freedom. everyone has the right to freedom. and thats why sometimes i dont hate what some people did. but then there are so many other dimensions to the things that happened. anyways thats beside the point.

music is something that can get you up and that can pull you down. and it was one of those days when i was watching a movie, a bit stupid in the mind. and then the song hit me. and hard. and honestly its a different context all together but sometimes the rhythm does get to you in a negative sense also. and its been some good whisky and some good amount of beer with some intense conversations. very interesting, like i said before.

at the end of the time the only thing that comes out to be certain is that life is difficult. for everyone. it is. and like i said before it so much revolves around people. i mean so many times people will be frustrated with their job, but they will get through it. with people around them. but when people fuck you, you have nowhere to go. its hell all around. you loose your faith and you gain it again. some friends are useful and some are a total loss. its people who rule your life. they rule mine. the only contention being that its hard to find the right set of people. may be sometimes its good to be alone too. may be.

tap tap tap .. tadaa!

2011-11-24T00:16:00.001+05:30

some days i want to dance like jacques clouseau
and some days its cha cha cha .. cha cha cha
and then some days its aouuuu .. billy jeans .. aouuu

2011-11-09T02:24:00.001+05:30

Nov 8: all this stuff is really scary. it has mostly been scary. there are these arguments and sometimes a lot of things are so messy and complicated and so difficult to explain or understand yourself. what does one do? do you go around and find solutions. most of the times there aren't any. everything is just fuzzy. what do you do then? leave it to it. i guess that's what it should be. but then if you do that the other person thinks you don't really care, while goddamn you do care. but you don't know what to do. and its even more troublesome when you are expected to just do some magic and make things right. well, you can't. but can you say it. in most cases you can't. is it easy? not easy for anyone. not for me, not for the other person. but atleast we can agree to that and have a breather.

i haven't been much of a screamer. hardly. it's part of my nature to not scream and rather sulk, take it all in to the time it settles or makes some sense. but apparently it seems that screaming is the part of the game. and don't even get me started on this game thing. does relationships really have to be a game? i mean people keep scores of things. who said sorry, who didn't. when did someone said something that was not so appealing to the other person. i mean is it really necessary. i don't believe in that. but i will tell you now, either play the game or you are out. unless, you are born a lucky bastard, and get a real catch i.e. someone great and understanding.

now lets find someone to blame for all this.
society: a crazy breed ofcourse. including me. with these things around caste and marriages, and settling down. to hell with it. walk for a moment and think. is this life of yours in your control, are you living it your way? crazy stuff, han? and its not all that simple. all for the shit that we care about others. and this filthy concept called 'guilt'. sometimes i do think that being selfish is not so bad really. well then you would say why the hell blame anyone for anything, everyone is being selfish. true. but there has to be some sense to things. some sense atleast.

self: thats where a lot of mess is. i am so complicated. or sometimes i think under-grown (closer to immature). i fail to understand myself a lot of times. i am a promoter of simplicity. things should be simple. everything. people should be simple. things that people do should be simple. you would say there is no fun in that. to hell with you. where is the fun in carrying all these burdens. where is the fun in trying to find solutions where none exist. where?

the voices have died down now. and oh! oh! writers block.

yet another day

2011-11-06T02:29:00.000+05:30

it is one of those days when it happens to be my birthday. whether i like it or not? well, lets see. i got older, there's nothing more to it than that. and i don't like it that much. i liked being 25-26. and i can only recall this line from friends - 'why god why, why are you doing this to us'.

i was watching this movie 'what women want', well cause there's nothing better to do. i am out of books and television is the only fall back option. so anyways, i was watching that .. i don't know how often i have seen it, but at least once for sure. and i thought, i want a women like Darcy. oh, how marvelous she is. someone who speaks her mind, isn't that the greatest thing? and interesting. and beautiful. and what not. just right. and i even exhaled, 'ah! dreams will be dreams'. that's that.

i do not know how to react. one of my very awful flaws. you will not see a desired reaction form me whether its appreciation, acknowledgement, wishes, love, hate or whatever there is in this world. that's that too. i am not bothered about it. writing for the sake of writing.

a man's birthday and no booze. so not fair.

late this night

2011-10-14T05:26:00.001+05:30

i puff two red ones back to back. listening to the so-called oldies in the silence of night. these oldies they are evergreen. everyone knows and most agree. and as i listen to some particular ones i instinctively recall the people who love them. and i dont know what is the feeling inside at the moment. i dont want to sleep just yet and want to keep on listening. my mind is full of the books that i have been reading past few weeks. making it a point to read regularly and not bothering about anything else. and most of them have been about life, failed love, and the supernatural murakami stuff which I fail to understand a lot many times.

and what i really want is to sip on some coffee and go on dragging puffs after puffs. and well talk, not in the blah sense, not to pour myself out or anything, but just about anything. i think i did mention that and the thing about being asked stupid questions (which last time referred to being called at 4 in the morning) .. surely something to do with the stuff i have been reading. although i dont like the fact that i do not have exact answers to anything. really, anything.

another thing is that i was just thinking yesterday that at times i just talk unnecessarily. and its strange how i have changed, as mentioned earlier people have said and could say that i become blah at times. close to irrelevant sometimes. and yesterday i had this serious face and i thought why had i stopped being the serious self. i like it better, specially because it means being quite and responding to things like nothing matters to me. and really at those moments it doesnt. and i want that more. more. more. more.

another red one. peace. serious.

boomerang, boomerang

2011-10-08T03:06:00.000+05:30

i don't really know how i feel at the moment. there is something and its absurd that i cannot really comprehend what it is. i wanted to discuss something heavy with someone, like an open conversation, where no one goes about 'oh here we go again' .. 'and why does he even talk when he can't even make a sense of anything'. not that i have been told so, but i am very positive people would have thought so and would think so. listening to your own trail of words makes you aware of that. or may be i want someone to call me at 4 a.m. and ask me stupid questions. or may be that's not what it is. i don't know.

living in a foreign land is very different. and i guess it takes time to really get around things. i mean from going to the malls which seemed to be practically the only activity possible, it has now become a 'sitting at a coffee house' kind of a thing. and its much more interesting. about travel; well i would say that i have always thought that traveling is really amazing, and i think it is. but i am not too sure. i mean it really depends, on time, on mood, on your maturity, and basically your intent. anyways, what i was referring to here was traveling alone. honestly, it has happened to me in some way, and my god it gets lonely, even to the point of crying yourself out. it is not easy. may be it is fun, or may be it is not. till now it has not been much fun. i mean you do go out there and when you reach the top of the cliff and you see the ocean and the beyond, you go 'wow' .. but what then? is there anything else to really do but lite up a smoke? and what does that lead to? nothing i say. nothing. and imagine, well you did reach the top of the cliff and you did see the ocean and the beyond and you did go 'wow' and then you sure lite up a smoke, but then you start talking. and the breeze and everything and the talking and the company. may be it could be so much better. i suppose.

and i have come to realize a very obvious thing. much too obvious, but i will say it anyway. well, all this thing going around us, this life, this job, this money, this time, the highs and lows and what not, none of it is significant. you make nothing of life if you don't have people. people are the key. the ONLY key. the one that really matters. now i say that it is obvious, and i think it should be. but for me and i say this only for myself, the harder part for me is to let go of other things. i mean not that i am trapped by any of these, or may be i am, but being free would mean to not be bothered by any of these. just people. any of them who are kind of connected to the others, well honestly it would be jolly good to cut that string.

departures

2011-09-17T01:14:00.002+05:30

i do like movies. i like other language movies a lot (other languages meaning other than hindi and english). a lot. and there is something amazing about those movies and cultures and the way they make movies. i guess they are closer to the realities and they show what people already know or experience. or something extraordinary that really exists but we dont really know. lots of amazing movies. some real, some fiction. Okuribito Departures is one of them. so closer to the realities that none of us really want to face. death. or the departure. and there is something about the chinese or the japanese or may be the oriental music, or it is the traditional instruments that they emphasise on; the flute, the cello, the violin, the piano (for that matter 'In Bruges' background score), it just touches you somewhere. you don't really know but it does something much more profound then any other music. i am a lyrics person, of whatever i know of myself, but i should admit that this kind of music whenever i happen to hear it, it effects me much much more than any lyric in the world. i dont even know if the chinese or the japenese or the oriental people know about the art of touching human heart, whether they do or not is not to be concerned with, but it effects me is what matters to me. and i just wanna hear more, atleast at that particular timing.

stop.

and out of this context or may be even related to this movie and other recent events, i have been getting this feeling of not having to spent enough time with my parents. like i need to do it. and i want to. and i wanted to. and i had thought about it and i was really wanting to. and u know how you think of plans for these things and how when you really get to them it's a big fat disappointment. i am not an action person. i am probably a thought/feeling person. when it got to it, i had all the time, and i had all the length to express my feelings about all this to my parents. i tried doing it in different ways, may be not much, but i guess i thought of trying or may be i even tried a bit. but i really did not work out. and i am here now wanting to really spend some more time with them. really. just talking to them. and i guess the issue with most of parents is, they are too caught up in life's issues. my son, his life, his settlement, his issues, our issues with him, happiness, money, etc etc etc etc. they dont really enjoy their life or may be they have a different concept of enjoyment. may be when i am old i might even follow same concepts. but right now, i dont really confirm to that.

i want to spend more time with my parents. i will. i think i will. i need to.

i want to learn some instrument. earlier it was the out of fascination thing; guitar. not its going to be a cello or a piano. may be a violin, but that's less likely because of no issues as such, but i just like that. i will learn something. i think i will. i need to. i want to.

a ritual

2011-09-10T20:03:00.000+05:30

out of mumbai, delhi, pune and bangalore airports, I like bangalore airport the most. and there's something that I do there which has kind of become a ritual. to have coffee and a fag before flying out and after flying in. and this time it was really nice. drizzling it was. and in general it seems to be a great place to hangout. its like the world is moving on, people coming and going and you are sitting there watching them pass you by. things just passing by and it doesn't bother you. you are just happy sitting there, enjoying your cuppa, dragging on.

x - the variable

2011-04-24T22:27:00.002+05:30

Certain observations that one may keep in mind while meeting their x:

1. Don't be on the phone or text while meeting them. The other person is curious and in a negative way.

2. Don't tell them how much you are in love with someone currently. Its like 'Final Destination' where suddenly you are cut in two by something unknown. Over and over. (Although that's me. There are people who can be happy for others. My case is an odd one, I am happy for some and not really happy for a lot)

3. Don't press them to speak. Enjoy or bear with the quiet. A lot of times there is nothing to be said or even if there is, it really shouldn't be said.

4. Watch your words. There is a fair chance that it would misunderstood unreasonably (from either ends)

5. Try not to get in to the past, it would possible lead to anger or distress.

6. Don't expect them to be all happy and normal.

7. Do see them whenever you have a chance. In most certainty you do want to see them however stupid it may sound.

8. Try not to drop them home.

Sometimes the variable x is so hard to determine and many a times its frustrating to see its dependence on y. Approach with care and remember what Alfred told Master Waine, "Endure. You can be the outcast".

mindless tragedy

2011-03-25T22:54:00.002+05:30

I run. I like running. I love to run. I was someone who would stop three times before reaching the college gate. And now, I can run like they run in the movies. Slow in the beginning, and then working your arms to run like crazy. I will stress again that I love it. The sweat, the panting of heart and the aching muscles. All my life I have struggled when people ask me, So what do you really like? (well, my outright answer for sometime has been photography, it still is .. but not doing much there), but now I can really tell at least one thing.

And you know there's something about RAGE. Rage can push you to limits. All the anger, the thoughts helps you lift yourself from a meager 6 to 12. And I have rage. I thought I was never the 'rage' guy. But I guess I am. I am angry and I will be, no idea for how long. I am still cool though and a lot of things don't matter to me (count it under laziness), but I also have rage and I have anger. Don't bullshit me about channeling it and shit. It's pure rage, and its fine.

And you know with all that how sometimes you just want to hit something/someone or be hit by something/someone. I distinctly remember this one time, when I was trying to put through a stunt off a very low hanging rope and something was crazy in my head. I got stuck and obviously, I fell quite nicely on my stomach. Some occasion, so lot of people watching, my friends watching. But the fall, it was so joyful. I was elated just to fall, to feel that pinch of being struck by something. And you know it's great. I want it so much now. Like I said, to struck or to be struck.

I know ..

2010-12-11T00:33:00.002+05:30

I know what it means to hate ..

never

2010-11-23T23:43:00.002+05:30

and its quite evident to me now ..

I'll never understand how to be the perfect one or how to behave at one of those moments .. I'll always be what I have been .. and I AGREE .. that's not enough .. or that's PURELY ridiculous ..

pardon me please .. I am usually out of my mind !! Don't hope.

I don't even know why I have been put down here when I don't know the tricks of the trade or I don't bother to even try ..

aggh ..

2010-11-20T02:59:00.004+05:30

I guess there's much misery in store for me. I am such a goon. I was under the impression that 19th November was a Saturday .. while all know that it was technically a Friday .. and I missed the exam. Ironically, I gave a mock, sitting home, that very time. What a pity .. pity on me indeed. Like someone said, "I might be lazy, but not so inconsiderate for something that important". I am always lost now. Missing on things. I have gone blind, not from the eye though.

How and why do these things happen to me? So much for being complacent. How can I be?

I will admit it now. Some considerable number of months have not been good for me. Disappointment and only disappointment. Quite a lot to bear on the conscience. And yes, you got it right, I always weigh negatives more. Nothing is right. Not one thing.

The wearing has already begun.

what i want to do the most

2010-11-14T13:33:00.003+05:30

Life is too normal these days .. I thought normal should be good, but it's not. I have too much free time for myself, yet I have nothing better to do then sit on the bed, in front of the laptop or just sulk. Though there are some things that I really want to do. And honestly, now I think that one needs to have some sort of a partner in crime ..

1. Get a bike and just ride out on random days to random places. Ride away from everything.

2. Take out my camera (not so good though) .. and take some frikking photographs and take the leap of buying a DSLr. But when I think of it, what scares me is the fact that I will just leave it to itself.

3. Not care about how someone would feel and just say what I really want to say (some very bad things) and be done with it. No consideration whatsoever.

4. Run. Run. Run. I fell in love with it. And then I gave up. Run pls. It cleanses my head, somehow.

May be I'll rise off my ass someday!! That day would be golden.

loosing the grip

2010-05-10T23:40:00.002+05:30

Yes .. that's what seems to be happening lately. I am quite sure that I am loosing my mind and getting a little more stupid every passing day. And more in sense of interacting with people. Not that I interact much .. I am the usual 'I am quite' kinds even today. It has not changed much. But I surely am loosing it in the way I have been reacting to things .. and I think its getting a little rude.

Like today I was having this conversation with someone .. and it went like ..

'so you are a tamilian or from andhra?'
My immediate reaction - 'Do I look like a tamilian or what?'
then blah blah blah ..
and then .. 'oh so are from north .. thats why you could speak such good hindi .. I can't .. cause I am south Indian' ..

what the fuck .. so my statement moments back must have sounded rude .. and I realize this later. No time to even correct myself.

Then sometime back in the morning .. someone tells me ..

'oh you can't call that no cause you don't have a local sim .. you can buy a pre-paid sim ..else it might be a problem getting through that no'
And I go .. 'I don't want to change my no'. Pretty much matter of factly and in a stubborn way.

Then when someone politely asks me .. 'everyone is going to the canteen .. you wan't to come' ..
'No'. 'I think I'll stay'. Though I eventually did go after certain amount of persuasion.

And I realise all this only after things have happened. Usually I am not rude. But its also a fact that I dont hang out with people much. And I am sure, specially here where people don't know me for who I am .. they surely would have developed a perception of me being a 'snotty-arrogant'. Or as plain as a 'BORE'.

And perceptions do matter. But I don't really plan to care about them. Its just that I thought that I was getting a little stupid everyday and I would let whoever reads this know that.

And yes thats true .. I am total Bore .. most of the times.

2010-05-03T03:32:00.002+05:30

I hate it when I am wrong .. but the irony is that I always am.

I sort of knew it all the way, but may be I didn't want to believe it. It's like being blind, with eyes wide open.

And a hypocrite as usual !!

hungry ..

2010-04-11T16:05:00.002+05:30

Why is it so hard to realize what the truth is .. I mean in everything .. how can you judge if whatever is said to you is the truth. Whatever you are told .. even in the past or even now ..

What the fuck is the truth? Or is there any thing called truth anyway. Or should you just forget about something like that.

stakeholder cries ..

2010-03-28T00:56:00.004+05:30

Life is unfair. Well, that depends on your current state of affairs, how it is moving on right now, whether you are happy or not. But on an average it seems to be unfair or at least complicated. Very complicated I would say.

Apart from some of the complications that we ourselves create or want to create (just for the fun of it), one of most difficult ones is the no of stakeholders that you have in your life. Initially you do not have so many ties and probably you do not even have to worry because you really have no clue which course of life you want to take, pretty much dependent on your family. Then the stakeholders keep adding up .. friends .. love etc etc.

And now when you just think of sort of defining a life course for yourself, you can't quite do it. All stakeholders have to be happy. You cannot discuss it in open, whatever concern/thoughts you would wish to share with the respective stakeholders, the thought of bothering (read unsettling or hurting) them appears at the corner. Well, since discussing itself can be such a big issue its not so hard to image how the thought of doing it would confuse you to hell. To do it or not to do it?

Would they be happy about it? (Oh, no way. Its too much for them. It would be like giving them a long-lasting injury)
Would he/she be happy when they know about it? (Well, though its you who is really defining you life, but he/she would surely claim his/her presence or influence. Surely, he/she would not like it. Again, something close to a long-lasting injury)

So net net it means that you cannot have a duckling clue of all this. Wish they could have made some progress with the time machine or something that could have made you disappear for sometime. Well, physically I am still not so visible. But then again, lot of those stakeholders would surely not be happy with me taking my time-off in to some lost dimension.

There is such a deep expectation exchange. They expect something from me, I expect something from he/she, he/she expects something from me, and some unrelated stakeholders expect something from he/she. Nothing matches of course. At such a crucial stage of your life where nothing else then getting old is left, I am just loosing my time whining/thinking about all this. But you have to think, there is nothing else that you can do but to think.

"You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line
And I know what's been on your mind
You're afraid it's all been wasted time"

Thank you Stakeholders. I sure am living for you (and of course me).

...

2010-01-05T01:52:00.002+05:30

Some random points ....

1. I may not have liked Mumbai in the first go, but the end was fabulous. Its hard to explain what I saw from that plane, but the view was something that I had never seen before. It was exhilarating despite the troubling thought of the plain being over the sea.

2. I guess I am not scared of dying and loosing everything, rather it is the fear of those last moments. I mean how it would happen and what would transpire in those lasting moments (thats why I would prefer not do die by means that relate to water .. at least for now). Not too much worried about losing whatever life is left.

3. I do like traveling and that flights are much better than trains. Well the reason is not it being scenic or anything. But its about time .. not in the sense that I spend less time traveling .. but in the sense that the time of dis-comfort of whether to speak to the person sitting next to me is shorter.

4. I don't initiate talks and I cannot. Even if the chance is super bright .. there seems to be some egoistic problem and moreover the lack of confidence in maintaining the continuity of talk.

5. There is nothing as beautiful and mesmerizing as the view of hills crowned with hundreds of windmills .. I'll explain that some other time. You have to see it to believe it.

6. Sometimes I wish to denounce everything and lead a life (or a short span) of nothingness .. and as usual I want to but I am too scared of all that ..

7. I want to travel alone .. to me its fearful in someway .. and maybe thats why I want to do it. No one to discuss your point of view with, argue and come to a compromise .. it will all be my thoughts .. in my head !!

8. I want to do something extraordinary .. which eventually seems impossible. But lets see. I am lazy enough to give it a lot of time.

9. I want to be creative. Do creative things.

It may seem so, but these are just random pointers .. not New Year resolutions. Anyways I am super lazy to actually believe in or have resolutions. I may be scared of water bodies where my feet cannot find the ground (little bit for the time being .. I'll sort it out soon) but I still like to go by the flow.

go fcuk yourself

2009-08-29T15:16:00.000+05:30

Fuck the self-loathing cultural motherfuckers .. shove your culture up your ass !!
You don't want you kid to see people hugging .. but you would fucking abuse in front of them ..

Hypocrites .. Fuck them all !!

to be or not to be

2009-06-21T00:10:00.002+05:30

In 20 years you will be more disappointed by what you didn't do than by what you did.

Mark Twain

Well said Mark. Agreed !!

time to retire

2009-06-14T00:23:00.003+05:30

Just Tired !!

of alertness. of procrastination. of sleeping in the hall. of drinking. of smoking. of being ok. of myself. of being ignored. of pretense. of songs. of movies. of backache. of 'no talking'. of wondering. of wandering. of routine. of change. of re-occurrence.

of Silence.

Inevitably I

2009-06-08T23:55:00.002+05:30

I should have marked that day an important one in my life .. when M used those golden words. It was an honest opinion, and now I know the truth out of self-realization.

'Dude, tu bahut matlabhi insaan hai'
'Dude, tu bahut mauka-parast hai'

Agreed !!

no alarms n no surprises

2009-05-12T00:24:00.002+05:30

I am hoping against hope.

Literally !!

one day I am going to grow wings ..
a chemical reaction ..
histerical and useless

Future Imperfect

2009-03-05T17:42:00.002+05:30

We are inherently different from each other. What has intrigued me recently is the question, "Where do we get the beliefs that we have from?" There might be some contribution from the genetics that we get from our parents, but in many cases we realize that parents and their children usually think on different levels or since there is no open forum where they talk as friends or discuss as peers, we are not sure whether they think in a similar manner.

Some people have inhibitions about certain things. They have strict belief in certain things, doing certain things a certain way and even have benchmarks like 'I would only do this at a specific time or with specific someone'. And then there are people who try to put themselves over and above such inhibitions, they don't have huge issues. They may for sure have strict guidelines on some other issues in life. The confusion is how does one develop into either of the two. How does one gain traction towards one of them. Is it the peers? Is it past experience? Is it the influence that they would have had while their minds were getting wired to encounter this world? Is it the fear that they developed for a certain issue at hand (again past experience)?

Its the confusion that I am talking about. Both can have perfect reasoning to support their idiosyncrasies. This does not mean that one is good or the other is bad, both are ok. Its a choice. But the question is where does that choice come from? Do we freeze our choices? Can they be changed? Is it good to change them? As one may be believe that he/she is compromising on his/her beliefs.

We all know its a free society. So, all forms of people, all forms of opinions, all forms of wiring are fine and acceptable. Some people term the former belief as values and latter the lack of it. So, is their really anything that we term as VALUES? or is it yet another term that we have set for ourselves? Its something similar to what Sanjeev pointed out in the symposium .. Is it that since the markets are in a dire straight we are cooking up the word INNOVATION .. is it why we are talking about it .. or is it really something that people wish to pursue .. and do they even know what to pursue? Same goes with values, beliefs I suppose.

You may as well believe that here is a guy with probably no value system. Sure, nothing explicitly designed or described. Its very implicit. There are certain things that I am against, and do not confirm with. While I was a grown up kid, and used to witness incoherent utterance of 'This is against my values'; 'You have hurt my values' .. I always used to think .. What the hell .. do I have no values? My parents have brought me up well .. how can I not have a value system? Am I too free in my thought? And till date I have no crisp answers to these questions.

Yet again, I have come across people with values and beliefs. And yet again I question the existence of a value system in me and why the ever existing free thought.

Damn !!Perfect is Nothing !!

Advanced BR

2009-02-08T02:35:00.001+05:30

Guess these trainings tend to bring out something out of me .. one of the random questions and my answer to that ..

How far could you go for a cup of a coffee?

The tag line of a famous cafe reads 'A lot can happen over a coffee'. It sounds quite true. Though a lot could happen even without a coffee and otherwise. But the idea of just moving around searching for a cafe, or just walking through random streets searching for a road-side cafe is rejuvinating in itself. Would I be tired walking around the canal, looking for a nice place to have a coffee? I am not sure. May be I would. It depends a lot on the mood. The very idea that my friends fancy these days is to get in to the mood, drive to the cafe on mysore road in the dark of the night and spend quality time. So, is it really the coffee that we are running after? Ofcourse not. Its the journey and the adventure that comes along. Its more about leaving yourself a moment in life which you could rejoice later. Its more about giving your adventures a name and finding an excuse to take a leap, where you would have just lazied around at your place.

The coffee might be right next to you, but you may still wish to walk. May its true with a lot of things in our lives. We make efforts not for the namesake that we christen it with, but only for the desires that live within. What if might not do this foul play? The desires may wither and we might lose something that would have given us some experience, be it an odd one.

So lets walk that distance, lets walk it in the name of a coffee and lets assume that a lot is going to happen over a coffee. Lets give ourselves and others who tag along a chance to walk that distance with us.

Business Writing

2009-01-15T21:52:00.002+05:30

I have a business writing workshop going on. It required me to prepare a write up. Working last night, I just caught on to the fact that it asked me to write on 'any general' topic that I would like to write on. Opportunity out of necessity for the ones who face writers block on regular basis. So here's what I wrote:

When Harry Met Sally

It was just another day in Harry’s life. He woke up in the morning, got ready, managed to catch his bus just in time, reached the Technology center, booted his system and sat down on his lousy chair. He continued with his usual ritual of logging in and checking his mailbox before he even thought of saying his ‘good mornings’ and ‘Hi’s’ to his teammates. The mailbox was a bit annoying though; it would start off with a long wait, and kept on punching the network to establish its long awaited connection to the exchange server.
Harry didn’t expect much either. It would always be the usual plethora of mails from corporate communication, a bunch of them from employee communication and a few internal job postings. It seemed to be repetitive and very intentional. Finally, as the mailbox managed to satisfy its greed for updating the Inbox, harry was flabbergasted to see a mail that was not from any of the usual senders. It was a mail from Sally.
Harry managed to click on the mail, and waited in anticipation as the mailbox tried to pull it out and present to him what Harry dreaded the most. The mail read:
‘Harry, this is your supervisor Sally. I need you to prepare a document on any emerging technology that amuses you. I would be expecting that by EOD today. Please make sure that it is very concise and satisfy our quality standards.
I am also coming to Bangalore today. So, I would like to meet you as we haven’t met since you joined my team, and discuss the above mentioned document’
Harry was petrified of such a communication and got started with this work immediately.
It was evening and Harry started proof reading what he had written:
‘Software as a Service is the concept of hosting a software and delivering its services over the internet. In practice, the software is hosted by the vendor which provides the software itself and the users use the software over the internet by logging through a web interface, and thus using the software as a service by the vendor. The software as a service model evolved from the concept of delivering software or services on demand, i.e. as and when the customer may wish to use it. The on-demand model takes in to account the principle that users should only pay for what they use, which would also help vendors in bringing down the total licensing costs to the enterprises. Enterprises also benefit from an application management and maintenance point of view as the whole application and supporting infrastructure is managed by the vendor himself. Analysts predict that on-demand services would fuel new payment models and would also help change how enterprises look at software solutions and services’
Harry took a deep breath as the review was finally over and Sally seemed to be happy with the final output. She decided upon a time for the next meeting and bid goodbye. All Harry was left with was a document full of circles, red ink corrections and pretty remarks. That was the day when Harry met Sally.

END.

A very funny thing was pointed out by the instructor today. She was talking about how one should never use 'above/below mentioned' in emails. And thus she shared a very common joke among business writers, and here it goes (please do laugh and please do understand)

So a gal writes to her supervisor:

Please see above
and comment on the below

Funny eh? We all died out laughing. Business can be fun right !!

searching a ground ..

2009-01-14T00:42:00.002+05:30

Expectations drive us and expectations drive others. We expect, and we loose. Others expect and we disappoint them. Expectations clash and the sweet world that was built out of initial unstinting interactions ceases to exist. We loose, we fall and yet we expect. Some more disparate attempts lead us nowhere, all advances are lost in motion but we continue bearing the burden of our un-addressed expectations. We keep falling but we never realize, and we never learn. We keep going back to the roots which had defied us, and we keep shadowing our mistakes and this life continues ..

We hypothesize, we empathize and we continue expecting. In the end we only hopelessly romanticize.

To expect is human, and to give up is divine !!

christmas vrismas n all

2008-12-25T23:47:00.002+05:30

I had the best Christmas ever. Enjoyed ZeroG thoroughly. Danced like we all were willing to hurt our knees. Enjoyed Coffee as well despite being the scapegoat this time. Makkhi's 'cooked with grace n served with love' biryani was something that makes me feel like taking up cooking seriously. DJ's move to the d-floor at last and his 'jumping-jack' moves were something to watch out for. Badri's brilliant capacity of being a host, despite being awarded with an imitation (haha). Paaji's stay overnight and his first look around at the gals house. Suman's appreciable act of not leaving the d-floor for a minute and the uncanny wish to visit a church post midnight. Anubha's uncontrollable laugh and selfish act of making us eat all her cake (though we would never mind that).

All in all it was great fun. Merry Christmas !!

and it Rained ..

2008-11-23T19:15:00.003+05:30

It is raining today. It is very typical of bangalore though, but it rained after a long time. The point of writing this is not to discuss the weather but to touch upon a very typical human nature.

A lot of us accociate ourselves with the rains. Some for recalling a lost love, some for the nostalgic fun that they used to have while it rained, some for the 'garma garam pakodas', some for a smoke, some for loss of innocence when they recall how they never cared getting drenched in the rain and deliberately making efforts to take the most flooded roads while coming back from school (atleast I used to do that), and some for the smell of fresh earth just after it rains ..

Strangely, I do not associate myself with rains. But it was amazing when I and D went out midst the spinkling showers. The road was all wet, abandoned and at the end lit by the orange that was sprayed over it by the street lights. I wished I could do a bit of photography, something that has been lingering at the back of my mind to take it up more seriously. Neways, we went to the nearest bakery, had a puff and hot tea. Standing there, sipping the tea, feeling the cold and watching people passing by was a good break from the lazying around that we had been doing since morning. Sometimes, I just wonder whether there is something that I really associate myself with. I lack emotions I suppose or I lack the motive of bringing them out or assoiating them with something that would remind me of a similar feeling. But it still means that there is something drastically different in me, in a non-conventional way.

So, the idea is .. what/how do you associate with the rains?

Update: If not rain, is there anything that you associate your emotions or whatever in your life with?

Quarter Life Crisis

2008-11-13T23:17:00.002+05:30

I am in my 20's so I guess this has to be there. But this has nothing to do with the usual factors leading to a quarter life crisis, like 'not having a job' etc. though some part of it comes from not figuring out where I am headed. But for the time being this is not what I'll talk about.

From the weekend discussions that we have had since a few months now, me and all my friends have a consensus on the 'quarter life crisis' in terms of love. Though it has not been named so, yet. So, love is something that we all want as an inherent part of our life. Finding it is not easy, maintaining whatever love is there in your life is challenging and increasing the volumes is even tougher. As some young fellows we are unhappy with the fact that most of the girls you meet now are either married or on the verge of getting married. At the same time most of us are also dreaded by the fact that sooner or later we'll start receiving calls from our lovely relatives and even parents, that would ask us to start moving towards similar grounds. Basically, the needs are simple. You want some patner in crime, someone to spend time with or even learn how to make good salads together. At this time I presume all this is some kind of fun. May be it is or may be its not. For what is distant is always pleasing and moreover, desired.

On the other hand some of us also take pleasure in not being a part of someone's shopping craziness or relentless blabber. But may be we miss a few of those sundays and a few of those hours among the possible umpteen ones. And to keep our feelings vibrant enough, we even cook some fairy tales. Now some would surely agree that I am not a perfect match. But I am in a crisis, so I am sure they understand.

This abstract kind of a 'quarter life crisis' is unique as it is in no way similar to the 'mid life crisis' where one has no option but to put up with the whims of their lovely soulmates. So Fallas, be uptight, we are in a crisis.

What is really a challenge?

2008-10-16T23:16:00.003+05:30

Someone told me today I have to work on *blah blah* cost reduction in *blah blah* sector, its interesting and would be quite challenging. Well, dear friend hadn't prolly seen what goes on outside the so called 'management' side of life/work. Management in itself is something that poses greater challenges and demands focused efforts, but definitely at his level, not even a bit I guess. And of course not even at mine.

May be I am not able to appreciate it right now or may be I might never be (which could eventually lead to dis-satisfaction), but there's always a greater challenge of figuring a way out involved, rite?

To me, till now whatever life I have seen for myself, the real challenge lies in research. Now, even research is of many forms. The one that I am referring to here is the one that involves heaps of 'intellectual stimulation'. One might always argue, that this is something that all kinds of research deals with, and there will always be a challenge involved thus. I would surely not agree, but then that's my take. This could well be substantiated by the very fact of the amount of physical + MENTAL efforts required on one's part. Creating something that you yourself would have never thought possible, if you weren't the incubator of such ideas is something which is inexplicably brilliant. Moreover, it involves challenging yourself to greater bounds. But then again, such a thing ensures that not all are pushed to such limits. That is some 'Law of Nature' I presume. Exactly on the lines of 'high risk high return'. The kind of crisis that we are witnessing today, this would be a part of life of such people. Not in financial terms, but surely in terms of how brutally they push themselves, and the aftermaths (which are not surely rewarding).

Like someone said to me once, 'Its all about what you like doing. I like asking questions to myself, and therefore I keep challenging myself with lots of them'. So may be challenge lies in first finding what you really like/want, move in that direction and then you would have the onus of challenging yourself. On the contrary, one can draw oneself to challenges (for fun sake, if at all one wishes to) by doing the very opposite of what he likes, or something that he fears to do or feels is the worst at. It might not reap the best of results or even worse, but if I am not wrong, it does give you a sense of 'I tried'. And more importantly, when you don't have a crisp answer to 'what I like', you are trying to figure it out by applying the 'Elimination' concept. Something that can help one in such an experimentation is to not fear embarrassment, and accept it wherever, however and whenever it may come.

To avoid some for myself, and to please you all, lets try an abrupt end !!

Much ado about life.

2008-09-30T23:15:00.003+05:30

There have been some fair questions in my mind regarding my first experience in the 'corporate' world. And to such extent that I have thought of even writing them down, but then I guess the 'Induction' had a meaning. Everything that I would say would in a way be confidential and would surely lead to some 'Conflict of Interest' or 'defamation'. And so, I guess it is very important for me to imbibe in me the very fact of 'I am a different person after work and different while at it'.

I have been fighting with myself lately, not sure if its something genuine or just another hiccup to get strayed from the path, whatever is set for me. Because for sure I am not aware of it. Or may be that's what the fight is about. Anyways that is in no way close to ending, so no point thinking over it.

What have I been doing? Nothing much, just living life like a common man who has the worries of his life. Work, life, direction, future, present, and in a way the past too. Pretty simple I guess. What I want to do? No Clue !! Whom I like? People who are clear in the head / my manager (for a change, that doesn't happen with all of us right). Whom I fear? People who are clear in the head for sure. Prolly cause I want to be one.

But everything kept aside, I have been enjoying it. The weekends are great fun with friends sitting around me in a coffee house, just like I wished, sometimes pleasing me and sometimes offending, just like I wanted. Life is pretty simple at the moment, and if there's one lesson that I would want to learn for myself is not to relax while life's pretty cool already. This is the time to stop, think, do and move straight ahead.

All I am looking for is to search and fill the 'VOID'.

tum ho toh ..

2008-09-03T00:04:00.003+05:30

Startled and utterly impressed with Farhan Akhtar. This Guy is amazinG, somethinG that most of us really dream of. We just want to be almost everythinG. Me and atleast a couple would aGree with that. And this Guy has done it. From an awesome director (very thouGhtful) to an actor (very calm) to a sinGer (like this Guy doesn't seem to be a sinGer, how do you expect a new director to be a sinGer too) .. and infact a producer too at some level.

so, I Guess its possible to be whatever you want to be, may be possible atleast in the dreamland of that creative industry as you can take up different roles. May be thats what comes out of the freedom that they enjoy at times. Or may be thats how they live.

rock on!!

or may be some people are just like that ..

Life

2008-06-21T20:52:00.002+05:30

It is only for a few that life goes in a straight line (I wish I could use some hand gestures here, the way I was told). And those are the one who are born with a mindset, and probably who has decided to do what they wanted to do, the very time of conception.

And for the others (99%) its something that swirls. And its not one of those edgy straight lines where you first go in one direction, and then in a different one (forming an intersection, and thus edgy), rather is a nice curve. (I strictly wish I could use hands now). But I guess you know what I mean, its like a river. One way, then curves to the other, not knowing where its heading, but eventually finding its way.

Well, eventually it will find its way, cause more then anything life is about living, and whether you go straight become a millionaire or an utterly satisfied individual, or keep dreaming off lost in your state of confusion, you still live on the simple taste of food, the fresh air, and the cold water that goes through your throat, and refreshes your inners. So, we are lucky ones, cause we were born lucky, in families who could provide, and who could let us be capable of providing (to the least ourselves ;)). so .. this quest is more intriguing cause at times I have also thought of just being simple, and not pushing myself in to fighting, and eating the plane food and being as happy as Marc (now thats a personal example, you dont know him). But then at times (and a lot of times) I feel this urge of proving myself, of doing things just for the sake of doing them.

The burning question in my life is: What do I want to do in reality?
(well .. cause I do a lot of stuff already in the dreams ..lol).

cheers

stay with me tonite

2008-05-21T05:54:00.002+05:30

I have my hands over my face
with my eyes closed
my fingers pressing harder
cause I am scared to see you go

And its always a hidden emotion
cause its something that you don't know
And its always me whose quite
for I'm scared to let you know

but fingers are what you can hold
and walk me through the park
I am scared of the children that play there
cause I know no one, but I want to stay

Thats what you gotta do,
Please, help me stay ..

ps: not a post, but a comment reply. Just thought it to be worth posting.

change

2008-04-11T02:47:00.000+05:30

..and he thought if it was only him. Giving importance to things which he himself knew were not so important. Had he grown up even a bit? But then he knew he had, because if it were for a child the less important things would have been non-existant. He would have taken people for what they were, there would have been no expectations. Like he did it with people in school, it didn't matter who or how someone was, the only thing that mattered was that they were in the same school, and that was what concerned him. He made friends irrespective of judging them by face or impressions. Neither was he selective nor prudent. And if someone would have asked him then who his best-friend was, he would have been taken by surprise if there was such thing as a best-friend. Friends was the word he knew.

But then he grew up, became selective, got judgemental and he knows, that it is wrong what he is now. He can count a few names if asked about best-friends. About the bestest friend? He wishes not to know.

'cause its you and me
and all other people
with nothing to do, nothing to prove
and I donno why, I can't keep my eyes off you ..'

~lifehouse

beyond the invisible

2008-04-07T14:00:00.004+05:30

And he was amazed by the beauty that surrounded him. The flowing river, the surrounding mountains and the camp on the banks of the river. The water was blue with shades of green, complemented by the sound of its struggle with the boulders to flow. He stood there mesmerized, on his return to innocence.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 8

And I feel colder then ever having read this
And there are times when I wish that I was not the 'cold' guy that I am, where nothing makes much of a difference, and I wish that I could bring something out of myself, something that I could see myself.

totaly random

2008-03-31T15:00:00.002+05:30

The subway seemed melancholic. There were less people around then the usual. He waited for the next metro to arrive, and so it did in five minutes. It was odd he knew when he came to choosing doors specially on the instances when you were found standing right in the middle of two doorways. Left or right? You don't have that time though, he knew, so whichever way the feet moved, he followed. He took the left one, and he wondered since it was not the right one, what if he was wronged. Invariable he entered, and was amused at seeing no one in the compartment. But he tried to think of selecting one of the seats to settle himself, he realised there was someone, but only one. He wondered if he should just sit by where he stood or still flicker around. He sat right behind her, for he couldn't dare to sit in front of her, signaling 'interest'.

While he tried to engage himself into some music, so as not to think, he realised that she moved from her seat. He thought she was leaving, and he couldn't help but forget about her. But she turned and sat right in front of him. He looked up a little confused, but she had her eyes on him, as if trying to see through him. He thought she was trying to speak something, and he was stupefied by the fact that his ears were handicapped with headphones. He removed them and tried to pay attention, if she needed to talk something or needed some help. He thought he heard, 'Kiss me'. And he knew he wasn't concentrating, or was it because she sat right in front of him. But he heard it again, her lips moving, 'Kiss me'. And it was one of those moments when you feel you got hit straight in your head, surprised where, why? He was surprised when he heard himself saying, 'How can I kiss you when you are so far away'. She rose and sat right next to him. He didn't wanted to think if this was right or wrong, he was only on the backseat, being driven. 'Kiss me', she said. Is she a robot? Only two words he thought, probably programmed that way. But he came back to normalcy when her eyes blinked. Such beautiful eyes he thought, and such innocence of demands. He held her from the back and kissed her on the cheek. She kept looking at him, unmoved. He knew it wasn't over yet. And he wasn't sure if it was really him, but he moved and kissed her on the lips. And he heard her again, for the first time different words, as she exhaled a deep sigh of emotions.

She stood up, 'My stop his coming'. Held his hand and helped him rise. She held his hand, and took to the doors. She moved out and he followed. For today he wanted to follow, for he wished to be controlled. He was mesmerized.

P.s : Apologies people, I have been unavailable since long now. This story is basically stolen out of the random questions a friend asked, and the answers that followed.

Task: As a reader your task would be to answer to the similar question. What would you have done if you were him/her(i know gals mostly it would be a no, but lets see).
She comes and says, 'Kiss me'. What would you do?
She takes you by hand and asks you to get down. What would you do?

between friends

2008-03-07T03:03:00.000+05:30

It is very heartening when friends talk openly, and discuss issues. Many a times it solves the biggest of your confusions.

1. Over finding love/relationship over the Internet:

F1: wahi to samjh nhi ata
is it the right way or not
at times i feel it is not the right way
it shud happen in the most natural way
F2: abe right wrong kuch nahi hota.... sab kuch matter karta hai ki finally kya hua.
abe most natural way chahte ho to meri tara shaadi hone ka wait karo :P
F1: haha

2. About arranged marriages and finding love:

F2: tum ek kaam karna randomly select kar lena.. 10 fotu mien se koi ek
F1: nhi be
aise nhi hota sale
life bhar ka issue hai
F2: abe meri knowledge bahut kam hai..
lekin I believe in something.... u can call it god..
F1: haan vo to hai ..
F2: and I am waiting for him to do this herculean task
F1: hmm .. vo bhi hai
F2: abe bahut saare aur kaam hain karne ke liye life mein..
F1: like .. koi hoga to mil hi jaega
haan obviously
F2: yeh wala tension ghar walon ko de do..
exactly..
F1: vo to maine bhi socha hai . .so shift my attention to other imp things in life
specially career
cause this is the time
F2: koi hoga to mil hi jaega..... ya fir jo mila hai.. wahi tha
abe love is something which you can get back by giving siomeone...
so don't think that what will happen with the relationship..
it has to be good.... because u will love urs partner.. and u will get the same

F1 and F2 are obviously anonymous guyz.

all the same

2008-03-03T12:22:00.003+05:30

Once I apologized to someone, for doing something utterly stupid and wrong. It was all awkward. And I heard me saying, 'Man this is gonna change my life now'. I had a completely screwed up little affair once, it all ended. And I thought, 'Man this is gonna change my life'.

Something happened today. And it came to me, 'Man .. this is gonna change ..'. I laugh at myself now. It's the same. It's always the same.

lost like ever ..

2008-03-01T03:26:00.004+05:30

He took the bus that was late but not last. He used to catch the 10:16 bus daily, in the night. And so were his actions that however he may wish, he always got 5 minutes to walk to the bus stop. It was a long stretch of straight path from where he could see the stop. He loved that sound, vehicles passing him by, as he walked along. Woosh. Some flashing bright orange to turn left, and many with the usual dull red for a straight ride. And as he walked he kept looking back, if the bus would appear, he will have to run. At times he ran, and at times he started to, but the red lights would stop the bus for a while and he was relieved for he could make it to the stop in time.

But mostly, he was early, for the bus was always late or his watch defied him. Only 2 minutes, but you know how it feels when you are standing in that cold with no one around, and cars passing you by like they are leaving you out, 2 minutes look like that bloody hour. And some days he would find someone to talk to for a while, and some days he would be by himself. Some days he felt extremely cold. But he hardly refuted his ritual of having a smoke while he walked to the stop. Sometimes it was relaxed and sometimes it was quick. He didn't wanted anyone to see him smoke. No one knew him, and there was no 'being identified' fear, but he didn't liked it when he was being noticed.

One night he met this British damsel. She was cute, and as droplets touched the floor finding their ground, they talked about Wimbeldon and how it rains almost all the time in London. How majestic India is. And this day the bus took longer to come, late then the usual late, and he wished it so. They boarded it when it came. He let her move in first. She got her tickets, he swapped his monthly card. She sat on one of the last seats, he usually used to catch the very first seat, but he followed. And it was then that he behaved stupidly. He was a jerk. She sat on the back seat, shifting with all her belongings making some room, true chivalry. He skipped the seat and sat on one on the other side. She looked at him, thinking that he might join, but he smiled back. He amused, for he did know of his stupid act, but it was late now. And through the street lights she looked out of the window, and in fragments he kept looking at her face in the window. His British love died there and then. She pressed that mean stop button, and he knew her stop was about to come. She rose, chivalric again she bid him goodbye, 'see you' she waved smiling. He couldn't do much than kicking himself on the inside.

He would be free, but he would wait for the time to pass, to catch that 10:30 bus, to give himself another chance. Weeks passed and he sighed. One fine night she was there again. He made her remember, and it was obvious but awkward. She told him about her visit to Perth and how she liked the place. And they boarded the bus again, sitting on separate seats. Luck was such that they met a few more times randomly on the bus, boarding from different stops, and they behaved like they didn't see any faces. And during his last days there he wooed over his stupid whims.

And he knew for now, there was a difference between the Indian way and the British. For had he sat beside some gal in India or had he even tried to start a conversation, it was more likely to be taken as a 'miss hit'. He didn't blame India cause he knew what a friendly conversation can cost, and one cannot help but play safe. Once more he sighed and wished, if only societies were more open, and there was little to complain about.

Lost in his memoirs he plugged in his ear phone and pressed that sweet button in the middle, and he could hear neither the woosh nor his whining mind. He was lost in the cries, and drum rolls. Through the street lights he looked out of the window, and wished someone to see his reflection in the glass. Flashes of orange ran through his pupils, and not an eye blinked. He was leaving tomorrow. Then he knew, there was no such thing as British love.

the scared traveler

2008-02-27T12:49:00.000+05:30

crumbling down through elbows, on my back
and gently I closed my eyes, fall asleep
In my own arms, to my own miseries
Its a sound sleep, for all un-slept hours

And I look for someone, someone in the dark
hands stretched, stressed nerves and a bored mind
I swing through the thoughts, boil down to conclusions
And yet its undone, un-found among lost revelations

disconnected from light, I am upside down
drowning in my waters, crawling through the town
I am the lonely traveler, with sober greetings
little to talk to, engrossed in meanings

you see that grass on the porch, its so green
the red leaves have fallen, the sunflowers have screamed
but I travel through this wild, cause I will walk
I know you want to talk, but I will continue to walk ..

you don't know where I came from,
you won't know where I would go
I will continue my walk ..
I will be the traveler !!

days

2008-02-25T02:44:00.000+05:30

a standstill, in my life
where things moving at greater pace
coming on to me, important as well
and I, I don't like it

I feel someone truly now
but I am not too sure if its me
though I feel like its me, who was lost
yet to proclaim my share, of being me

I feel dizzy in the head
it puts me to sleep though
but its not sweet, like I used to
and I still hate waking up late, in the day

loosing myself, am I
of what I was and what I am
and I dream, with dizziness above
of fields and flowers, hands and touches

and I know I will be fine
and I know it will be me again
but I cannot reclaim whats lived
but I can live it right, now on

You know why? because,
I wanna know whats it's like, on the inside ..

are they from Venus really?

2008-02-20T12:38:00.000+05:30

This is about Pri's Tag, where I am suppose to do a harsh kind of female bashing, like even use inappropriate words to shell out my hates for them. To point out the typical female things which we males (or MCP's ..hehe) don't really adore. I will try to be harsh (not too sure though).

1. I hate it when you guys start sobbing, why? just because I forgot to call you on valentine :O. Alright this is the romantic day and all, but still why those tears, you got them in free or something. Oh! and I am sure you went for it like hell, cause it was some free shopping rite. huh.

2. The Indirect Attacks. Now she goes (I mean a lot of gals), ohk we will do this and that, but what if it doesn't happen, I go 'well, its ohk, I will be ok with it, I mean its ok rite, doesn't matter much'. The very next thing she utters out bluntly 'It doesn't matter if this works out or not for you rite, you don't care ..koi fark nai padta na' .. uggggh .. I didn't mean that for gods sake.

3. The female bashing. You know it and its true, you hate your own kinds. I know that you know that I know but still you want me to accompany you in that and listen to your consistent stupid whines about that poor gal you don't like. Whatever.

4. 'OH why don't you talk, you never have anything to say'. Well sometimes I don't, and isn't it ohk. Specially when things are complicated. And and when I talk, I give you all those lectures of I don't like this and that, what its like to go through all this, thats not taken care of. Now do YOU know how to be sensitive?

5. you are slim and you have gotta maintain that frame, but you still wont be sorry eating all that 'bhav'. I am fine you are all good looking and stuff, but can't you be just normal and like friendly. See obviously all gals are not like that some who are the hottest are also the most down to earth gals, and its quite respectable, but some are true .. I don't want to say the word, but they know they are one and not to my amazement they are proud of it. Lets keep it up B***h.

6. You wanna laugh the joke out, but you dont want to be part of the joke. Its all in good humor damsel, but you got that peaky little nose which wants to sniff the guava hanging up above so you got it right up there. You make the sickest of faces if I said 'The jokes about you gal'. haha.. buts its fun.

7. 'Is it all about sex', you say. 'Is it all about the fuckin money', I would say.

8. Well some gals, its about some of them who want slaves and not friends or boy-friends. In fact I have the evidence and have been told by a gal itself that gals held up their noses high boasting about what their bf's do for them, how they obey them and walk as they want them to and talk when they stop talking. They aint fuckin listenin to you honey, they are just waiting to ... I wont say that either. And seriously, I dont think that way, atleast not while talking *WINK WINK*

9. Some are so egoistic that I hate their guts. Don't even ask me how much, I will be the dragon then :x

10. But after all, you guys are the wonder wall. Be happy to know, there's no world without you, but try to keep this in mind that you wont be happy either by choosing to be homosexual, I mean atleast not all of you.

Aah. Its ohk now, but I am sure I couldn't recall of many things that I hate in gals, but mostly they are certain things which I hate in any person be it a guy or a gal. So no issues. We are all clean. Cheers.

Oh yes I would like to tag:

1. Desperado
2. clouds
3. Intelligensia
4. Sherry
5. Raaji

empty rooms

2008-02-11T01:13:00.000+05:30

Life seems to go at a slow pace during the last days of college. Sleeping through the day and wondering through the night. The day passes by but not the nights, like darkness is there to stay. I wonder how it is to live in empty rooms, eventually they would not be empty since I would be living there, but it is empty in some sense. Little of classes, less of studying and more of pondering over the future. Whats it gonna be? When you are not sure you always wander here and there trying to settle down on to something. Its there, the jobs and all, but is that enough? It is what you really want to do? Continuing studies, there are like a 1000 options and what is it that would please you. Money is not being the prime issue though does come in the picture or is it the quality of work that matters or the pleasure in doing it. You are nostalgic about the idea of landing in to a place where you wont be happy, though knowing the silent fact that you will eventually end up at such a place only or you will make it sound so.

While in a room sometimes it feels like this is the only world, though you didn't wish it to be. I know you would never wish that constraint, you never did. And when you are out, its so wide and at times full of hope that it makes you think if you can really live up to it. I wish I was a traveler, but I am sure to my guts that I would have got bored of it soon. Obviously people are the most important entity of anyones life and soon I would be void of a lot of people, a lot of friends. New ones would join in, hopefully, but then you have to go through the same mundane boring process of discovering them. Its not bad though, one of the better things that I feel like doing it, discovering people, the new ones, and obviously the good ones. And it does teach you a lot every single time. Some are rude, some scary, some so gutsy to laugh out on your face, some who seek you as some fun element, some you can't put up with, some mysterious, many pretentious (Oh I dearly wish I don't see them), and some genuine. And all of it boils down to figuring out how genuine you yourself are? Or How genuine you can be?

All that shit of being yourself is just shit only. Well, and what exactly is this being yourself thing, when you really haven't figured who you really are. Right?

Its like this Radiohead scary song, either way you turn I will be there, put up your skull I will be there, Climbing up the walls. Like theres this cupboard monster in you room trying to take over you, making you think of weird things. People I talk to, like really talk to, and who know the psycho bit of me complain, I think too much!! To my utter surprise I can't help it either. I guess thats what being yourself is, you cannot change what you are, you can't help but being what you are.

And I used to say once, 'I am what I am, Perfectly Me!!'. Now I don't.

on the inside

2008-02-08T02:39:00.000+05:30

smiles through the night
talks in the street light
amusing word games, and laughs
and sad on the inside

aching arms, wretched feet
forgotten loves, christened creep
cold breeze and shivering figures
but burned on the inside

quiet mansions, a quiet life
a surreal face, lucid looks
calm through the window
rage on the inside

supported lives, dreamy eyes
fickle thoughts, weary mind
longing sighs, prolonged highs
nothing on the inside

people nothing on the inside ..

bloody tags

2008-02-03T00:31:00.000+05:30

1. Name Three Most Valuable Assets?
Family, Friends and good times with spent with them.

2. If you have the chance, what would you probably say to your beloved one?
Close your eyes.

3. If you were to be stranded on a desert island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you?
Keshi, clouds and pri(she's a doc afterall ..hehe)

4.Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Well ..everywhere I would say ..there's a lot of world out there to see ..may be Rome.

5.If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
To be live Happily ever after.

6.Till now, what is the moment that you regret the most?
I don't share regrets.

7.What are you afraid to lose the most?
Everyone I love and ofcourse my mind.

8.What would you do if you found a briefcase full of money?
I donno, Use it to the best of my needs. That would be a holiday first (you were talking about a billion dollar briefcase ..weren't u?)

9.If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Well, eventually for me the biggest question at times is how to really quantify that, like if its only some attraction or love shuv. But newyz, I will try and would talk straight (hard though).

10.List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you...
I was tagged by Intelligensia
About her :
1.She seems to be quite expressive, and good with words.
2.I guess she stands by what she believes in, which is great and takes a lot of courage.
3.I am sure she is truthful to herself more than anyone else, which is awesome again ( I feel so)

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Its a weird question actually, atleast for a guy like me. I mean obviously its like she should be sweet, adjusting, good human blah blah blah .. but more importantly she should be someone I would really feel for, well but then you asked the requirements for that very purpose. .. well I'll know it, I can't describe it much, not that its not clear to me, my heart will cry inside when she'll smile and when she would say something that I really want to hear .. and it happens at times .. It does .. and if it happens a lot (like over a Threshold value BETA) I would know it ;)

And obviously she should love me like crazy ..hehehehe .. main kuud jaungi types ( I will jump) .. hahaha ..arite .. I was just kidding.

12.Which type of person do you hate the most?
Pretentious.

13.What is your ambition?
To have a perfect balance of love - work - family - myself. ( that was a perfect answer). But I guess to achieve something, rite now I dont know what, but I would know one day.

14.What is the thing that will make you think someone is a bad person?
One who doesn't care if something would hurt the other (now even I do that a lot, but then didn't tell you how much I hate myself ;))

15.Christmas is coming, who do you like to celebrate with?
Someone sweet, who could talk through the night like its a freakin hour.

16.If you could do one thing different in life, what would it be?
Something different, be a free lancer, a painter or a rock-star.

17.Are you a shopaholic or no?
No.

18.What is your stress buster?
Music, sometimes water, sometimes a sweet smile, sometimes a cute face, sometimes the beautiful nature ..

19. (Her qus no.1) How important is love for you to get physically intimate with a person ? Be honest here. Not rational.
Well yes important. I would rather go the other way round, I would like to say that it is equally important to be physically intimate (not like complete sex but just lil intimacy could help too) to realise love. I mean if you understand what I mean.. and with guyz its not that sex is the only thing on their minds .. it is there but they dont really dream of the gal and himself in the bed while they are talking to them. Quality times are what matter the most.

20. ( Her qus no.2) How do you deal with a friend who has wronged you ?
Well I guess its a very critical situation, cause if you start being away from them or hating them then its like judging them, but then eventually you are human and its hard to help it cause its alwyz there at the back of your mind .. so with time the dynamics of relation change .. to the worse ofcourse.

I hope you didn't get bored. If you did, you can close the window right now and buzz off..hehe.

inconsequential

2008-01-24T00:53:00.000+05:30

There in a room full of bright light he was. He lied down and closed his eyes. His chin resting over folded arms. Somehow he hated the bright light this day. He wished he hadn't complained about the non-functioning lights in his room.

Since almost a week now he had been living in a room filled with darkness, the lamps had gone weary one fine day. He didn't bother. There was little to see and less to notice. He had got used to the darkness, rather he liked it that way, at least during these days. But he knew he would go blind soon enough if he continued working on his laptop like that. All the more pestering from his friends moved his lazy being and he finally wrote down a complain. It got fixed this evening. It seemed too bright to be real, like some gods light. But he hated it. He won't switch it off either, else it would be dark again or he'll be blindfolded soon.

He notices the way he is hurt by small issues around him, like one unfelt emotion. He realised neither was he good at expressing nor at understanding. To him there was nothing like mind reading. And the talks, the words kept moving in his head, like a constant head-ache. He listens to Gary Moore's 'the loner', whistles along and feels for the guitar thats crying its heart out (or made to). Downloads a lot of papers thinking of reading something substantial, puts them in a folder and procrastinates. Decides to watch a movie but knows it would eventually kill his time. Thinks of 'Jonu', the sweet movie, thinks of watching it a third time. Also thinks of searching and downloading the OST (some amazing slow tracks there like .. I am a part-time lover and a full-time friend and thinks that he's heard it some place else). Goes back to listening Jon bon jovi songs which were long forgotten cause of some serious reasons. Ponders over the future, tries to but skips it suddenly (its boring you know). Thinks about himself and in a flash he sees 'Procrastination' shining bright, he wish he could smash right through it and break it to a million pieces, but then he procrastinates. Shouts 'fuck' at his increasing spelling mistakes, lousy typing and propensity of loosing on to his writing lately. Not able to understand why he's not able to think these days. Tries to think, bummer !! Chews his nails umpteenth time. Gazes at 'love in the time of cholera' and tries to figure out when exactly is he going to finish it. Feels for florentino ariza, thinks what he would like if he was florentino. Ofcourse, he would be florentino ariza. Fuck.

He lied down and closed his eyes.

that one thing

2008-01-17T13:13:00.000+05:30

Today I wish I could stay in my room, sit down and just read something interesting or may be talk to someone. One of those times when you are quite calm from the inside and you wish its all calm on the outside. You hate it then when someone taps on your door, and the lazy me has to get up from the comfort of being alone (for this while only). Though I really suck when it comes to introspection. The final days of college and its the same what it was few years ago. The state of indecision. What is it that I really want to do? And whatever interests me, would it be forever, or is it just some fancy of some short duration work pleasure. Its in the long term that you really come to know if something would really interest you. And I guess, its quite applicable to relationships as well. It is only after spending a good deal of time with someone that you can really decide if it is for life or not. Why is it that a lot of people relate commitment with marriage n all? confused like all are.

Anyways, I have come to realize that I am not a very dominating person. Specially when it comes to friends. I have hardly been a planner, like taking those initiatives n all you know. The point is that sometimes I feel I am too open, and whats the fun if nothing is hidden. Or may be its that I wish people to know more of me, just in case you know. But sometimes I also wish I was anonymous, like no one would know me in the blogs n all, not knowing my real name, something like a mystery (If at all someone was interested .. hehe). So, its quite a mixed bag.

That one thing. What would that be? Actually these days I am quite willing to get social n all (-GRIN-). Its like looking for that one thing that can brighten my northern sky. That one word or that one line of humor or that one talk of exuberance or that one cup of coffee (or two :-/). That one wave which can jolt your being, or that one emotion which would make things clear. The fog that it is rite now, its ought to be clear sooner or later, else I would love to jump off a cliff, I mean its better to die in the hands of beauty (vo mara papad wale ko ..ahum ahum) or that last sip of alcohol which pushes you off the threshold. I am sure you all are cussing me for deliberately putting a lot of things forward.

Or that one smile? May be.
Probably one dance ..(obviously not the bhangra types ..rather something close n simple ..)

fuckin room of mine

2008-01-07T22:55:00.000+05:30

There's something to be sad about my room here. I was happy and content while in goa, enjoying with friends, sometimes pissed off but mostly happy. And now that I am in my room, and the way things go around here, it takes me back to my fuckin life, which eventually ain't so pretty. It is here that I realize that all that is around me is so small, and even if I wish to be I can't be alone and find myself what pleases me.

Well anyways, its yet another year of life. I just wish its less eventful, cause the more events the more are the chances of carrying things along with you, and the more they will haunt you. Ofcourse, events of the kind which elate your being ain't any bad. Like this one time while I was walking the roads around Baga beach, just looking around for a new year bash I come across this small shop covered of tin, with an old lady and a mid aged 'bandi' sitting around. I casually asked them, 'you got any cigarettes'. The 'bandi' goes in a cute child like manner, 'Kaunsi cigg chahie'. I say 'blah blah blah', She goes, 'nai vo to nai hai' .. 'we only have this one' ..nd I go 'Oh, sorry not that' and just then she makes this childish face, like the way the kids pity the hapless adults, and I was dumbstruck. Here was this 'bandi', with a cute way of talking, little to be happy of, no money, no living and yet so kind and elated at heart. It reflected on her face. I wish of such simple itsy bitsy events. At least, I would be good at heart for a while.

For today for the first time I felt that I was genuinely interested in solving someone's problem, someone whom I have been neglecting since long. I dunno why I was interested, may be because it was something related to a dying friendship, something which was hard to bear. And I just realized of what was said in the end, I was drawn back from the same person. You know like there are certain things that you don't confirm of and when the other person wishes to do those similar things, it doesn't please you much. I mean its not like that I hate that person or anything. Its alright, just something that I felt.

Friendship involves no ego. Neither it involves any commands. Its a plane person-person relationship, the meaning of which is hidden in the very essence of togetherness. You ain't gonna leave your brother just because he dates a gal you don't like, will you? What kind of brother are you then. You ain't gonna leave your friend either.

I also realized that something that you are not supposed to get, you ain't gonna get that. Fate n all you know. However you may try, and whatever time. When you think that things are prolly heading the right direction, suddenly a bumb in the road, and it all messes up again. Fate you know. And then you sit round the corner, all wasted, thinking over the time that had passed by. All that turning back n all, what does it lead you to? fuckin nowhere .. or like someone says 'Somewhere in the middle of Nowhere'.

Exactly !!

That's where I am.
Somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

The bloody If's and butts

2007-12-26T23:30:00.000+05:30

Do visit: The New Year

Disclaimer: Our very dear Dr. Pri encouraged me to take up this tag ..her answers from venus demanded some comparison with Mars .. so I was bound to do it .. cause they say 'You should never ignore a doctor' .. hehe .. so if guyz go crazy kindly direct ur pretty anger at Pri .. ;)

If I were a beginning, I would be:- the evolution of life ..to set it right.

If I were a month, I would be: -December (I'm Loving it :D .. m sure my mom would complain that I don't desire to be the First .. lol)

If I were a day of the week, I would be :– I wish I was the night.

If I were a time of day, I would be: - The time when the sun sets out ..and all is fresh and so beautiful. And you hear the chirps all around, only chirping.

If I were a planet, I would be:- Earth .. I loved when I saw how huge it looked from the plane, with so much of life .. and specially the way it looks from the moon. Blue. Lively but Blue.

If I were a season, I would be:- Winter (Ofcourse .. I just love winters)

If I were a sea animal, I would be a :- Penguin ..thy are so adorable.

If I were a direction, I would be:- The U turn ..somehow I wish things could come back to me .. you would leave, but I will make you come back (now ..stop clappin over this hun?)

If I were a piece of furniture, I would be:- The Couch (Do I need to say more)

If I were a sin, I would be:- Love.

If I were a liquid, I would be:- Water, and I would run down from the mountains and through the plains, collecting dirt (not filth) and melting in to the sea. Though I would have loved staying at the mountains. There's nothing as lovely as a quenched thirst.

If I were a fraud/scare, I would be:- fear of lonliness :) (scares everyone dosent it?)

If I were a tree, I would be:- The one that is beautiful.

If I were a tool, I would be – The opener (LoL .. don't apply you boyish minds on that one .. hehe)

If I were a material, I would be:- cotton (very comfortable)

If I were a flower/plant, I would be:- Cauliflower (now .. don't tell me thats not a flower :O ..hahahaha)

If I were a kind of weather, I would be:- The romantic one ..(hehehe *GRIN*)

If I were a musical instrument, I would be:- The guitar .. (see .. now u can't bullshit me with your string theory .. u Einstein)

If I were an animal, I would be:- well, its hard. May be a puppy (not a dog .. lol)

If I were an emotion, I would be:-

If I were a vegetable, I would be:- Carrot ..may be.

If I were a sound, I would be:- Cacophony (lol ..does that confuse you now)

If I were an element, I would be:- fire (can warm up as well as burn u)

If I were a monument, I would be:- a place of worship

If I were a song, I would be:- The one that jolts your being ..

If I were a food, I would be:- somethin 'mom-made' :)

If I were a place, I would be:- Home

If I were a taste, I would be:- Taste of the first kiss .. may be ..

If I were a scent, I would be:- The scent of the fresh cold air ..

If I were a religion, I would be:- Humanity

If I were a gem, I would be a :- did u say .. JAM .. yeah Kissan wud b great ..

If I were a sentence, I would be:- I do !!

If I were a body part, I would be:- The Brain. (I would have chosen the Heart but that would have been too cheezy rite .. hehe)

If I were a facial expression, I would be:- A smile of contentment & beauty.

If I were a subject in college, I would be:- Sex (now isnt that the most talked about thing .. ohk .. lemme run first) .. can I say .. Literature now .. or Maths .. duh !!

If I were a shape, I would be:- something dimensionless

If I were a quantity, I would be:- Just about enough (best ans ever)

If I were a colour, I would be:- Blue/green (gals read 'PINK').

If I were a thing, I would be:- No-thing.

If I were an artist, I would be:- A painter.

If I were a collection of poems, I would be:- The one written by someone shy .. cause there would a lot hidden inside ..

If I were a watch, I would be.- The one that shows the right time .. lol

If I were a book, I would be:- 'Love in the Time of Cholera' (current read .. well its a gud book .. bt d point is .. I love the title).

If I were a landscape, I would be:- The mountain .. the valley ..

If I were God, I would be:- crucified :(

If I were a vowel, I would be: 'A' (All great names begin with A)

If I were a consonant, I would be: 'J' (all great names end with it...*hint hint*)

If I were a formula, I would be:- F1 (wroom wroom)

If I were a Science, I would be:- Mathematics (and believe it is the mother,father, godfather and all that of all Sciences).

If I were a theory, I would be:- Theory of Relativity (yet to be discovered completely).

If I were a famous person, I would be.:- wht the heck, If I were famous you would already know me, why to ask silly questions [;)]

If I were an electronic equipment, I would be:- duh!! Why would I be something which you can switch off whenever you like .. I don't want to hit you with a shock ..

If I were sport, I would be:- Flirt [*WINK WINK*]

If I were a movie, I would be:- Serendipity (obviously I would be John Cusack too)

If I were a cartoon, I would be:- Johny Bravo ("Hey there, cutie pants. Am I as studly as the Statue of David, or what?")

If I were an explorer, I would be:- Travelling Tibet .. (Lately.. I wish I could go there)

If I were a scientist, I would be:- A Freak.

If I were a relation, I would be:- Friendship

If I were a river, I would be:- All wet :(

If I were intoxication, I would be:- passion (best ans again)

If I were alone, I would be:- sad (awaaaaaaaaaaan *sob sob*)

If I were a question, then I would be:- why Me?

If I were a hobby, I would be:- Travelling

If I were a habit, I would be:- Writing.

If I were in an atom, I would be:- Bomb-a-lacious (dhadaaaaaaaaam!!)

If I were an end, I would be:- The delta .. A new mix ..

If I were you, I would be:- Cursing Pri ..hehehehe ..

See Pri .. I stole a lot of ur answers .. I told you, there couldn't be any better ones ..

PS: Well though I love it when I escape this place and people shout at me for not letting them know .. its great fun you know .. but I guess this time some of you might just get pissed off and prepare yourself to kick me .. so .. I am leaving for a while to enjoy New Year in GOA .. would be back soon ..
wish me luck wid gals .. :P

Wish you all a Very Happy New Year .. may this year be full of a lot of reading and understanding what one wishes to be understood.
cheers.

The book of love

2007-12-23T15:35:00.001+05:30

Well, this one's not gonna be any third person post, like He did that, and She did this. I think its gonna be pretty straight.

Music, it drives me, like the engines drive a vehicle, like the moon drives the tides, like the preacher drives the follower, like the sun drives the light. Its puts me to peace and to sorrow. Basically, it overwhelms me. And sometimes I wish I could sing well and learn to play, and I could sing them with the same emotions. Now, when people write such amazing lyrics, one can guess its not only for the sheer commercial purpose, but I am sure when he wrote it he did feel it. I mean, words only come to you when you are deep down in to something, and when something elates you to the extremes or crashes you down to the bottoms. Now obviously there are some who might sing or compose just for the commercial part of it, but what I am talking about here are people who create for the sake of creation, I mean atleast it sounds so.

What got me writing about all this stuff is that I have been watching a lot of movies lately, and the kind of songs you get in the movies, i.e. the OST (Origingal sound track) are just amazing songs. Sort of hand-picked. They touch you, and gawwd they occur at such scenes, that you can't help but get moved. Its an Art and Art moves you, it touches that nook corner.

Well Its christmas, and I have this amazing song for all of you (If you dont like it, plzz don't hurt me), from this movie, 'SHALL WE DANCE'. Its for all of you to hear and love. The songs called 'The book of love' by Peter Gabriel.
So, hopefully .. Enjy !! Merry Christmas.

May we get enough love to survive the hate for the self.

sadistic dancing

2007-12-22T00:55:00.001+05:30

The evening was quite cold, and it felt colder than usual. He was cold, more by the arguments and less by the winds. The talks subdued more by silence, and little excited by words. The lyrics playing in the background echoed through his being. He played them over and over again. And he sang, in a bitter silence. He seemed to be restrained in some Afterglow. In great anticipation he kept chewing on the groundnuts, looking for some contentment. He ate and he sang. And he waited, cause he couldn't think. He waited.

Just when it seemed to be an eternal slumber, something happened. He smiled. He never expected it would happen. He stood up and moved his feet around. Afterall, now he was poised. He danced to those echoing lyrics.

overwhelmed

2007-12-17T01:17:00.000+05:30

Its a different feeling everyday and its a different day, everyday. Yesterday you were walking up the streets of beautiful Nainital and Today you are ramping down your univ road. And you don't realise that there was a gap, that some days have passed by already. Somedays you are so elated with the sparks of beautiful mountains around you, fog and clouds playing cheating games, the sun unmoved and helpless and the other day you are lying under the Train roof, moving yet so un-disclosed. And you feel that not even a holiday can suit you to be elated, that it was all moments.

You feel sleepy while moving around in a bus, but when you encounter those striking sharp eyes it seems that you are all set to discover them. You forget that she is much much younger and more of a teen than a grown up, all that matters then is the beauty of those eyes peeping through the glass window, overwhelmed with the sputter of the echo outside. All the 'lumps lust' is gone, somehow.

When the cold air touches your face and kind of stays around, you feel you were being iced to be preserved. You will be Fresh. You won't be Spoiled. Walking up and down the streets you feel this place is for me. You feel mixed among the locals, you love the mountains, you love the lake, you love the people and you love the mist around you. For the first time you feel like you really want to explore. Its tiring though, but its part of the learning. Then, lying down under that wooden roof, weary of that cold, you think have you really learned? Or is it just a way of running away? Slowly, you fall asleep with unanswered questions. The confusion remains. The next cold morning you are set to enjoy for what little time this is. The questions don't bother you, nor do they matter.

While you just make it to the station, you manage to catch the train in a frenzy, making it sound just right, you forget that on the edge sounds good, but it takes a toll on you eventually. And then, you are confused again because instead of looking out of the window, you spend more time watching people. That happens what is not normal to you? ..Why? May be cause its a different day all together, passing by in a frenzy. Cause the day of mountains and lakes is long gone, you are no more a part of the people. You are alone and you are aloof. Somehow, its good. The destination arrives and you are still seated, not in a hurry to leave. After all, for the first time you are not hurrying on to life. Does it lead any where?

Of all the sins committed, the worst is this Wasted Life !!

hopeless romantics

2007-12-01T01:23:00.001+05:30

'You know nothing is perfect' he said. His eyes full with conviction. He had said it earlier as well, but his belief was strengthened each time some incident brushed aside his life. Everything from the beginning had been so imperfect and little planned, and it continued to be so. And when he looks back now, all he can do is ask himself the inevitable 'WHY's?'. Why wasn't life so pure, like the innocence in a virtuous laugh. It was a mockery on the contrary.

There is the 'someone' right in front of his eyes. He did get a feeling that it is the 'SHE'. You do sometimes, it happens naturally. He could sense it in the talks, in the laugh, in a mere interest shown, in the friendliness, in the reducing inches of closeness, in the little secrecy shared. All 'HE' did was to be mused by these little games played.

'There are issues', he said.
'Do you even know what you want', S asked him.
'Oh, you think you can play me over this silly old question', he questioned. His eyes were surprised over being misunderstood by her.
'So, if you really think this to be the real thing, what the fuck has the silly word 'issues' got to do with it', she said in a rage.
'You wouldn't know'. 'I am sort of helpless'. He continued looking at the plain sky, pretending to be sure.
'Oh, you know nothing'. 'You just know how to run away or cry over things, arguing your fate and doing nothing about it', she said. She was pissed with his constant rantings.

And the argument followed a silent gaze at the sky.

'Eventually, there's nothing'. 'Isn't it?', she asked looking keenly at him.
'Well, I think so'.

Silence again. The sky was just plain that day.

'Eventually, It's an end without any beginning', he said, finally breaking the silence and the gaze too.

'It's plain sky, no clouds', she said.
'Yeah. No clouds, no rain, no hope', he said.

Then he smiled.
'Fictitious', she said smiling.
'No. Love', he mused.

highly random

2007-11-29T00:12:00.000+05:30

Actually, I have turned in to a bore lately. I don't have much to talk about, nothing to tell or discuss and less of humor. So, I was talking to a friend/senior/fellow-blogger and the not-ready-to-be-bored person that she is, she wanted to me come up with something interesting. All I could do was laugh at my incompetence. So, she comes with an idea of putting me through some random (yet interesting) questions and than I can blog about it. So, here I am. As I can see the possibility, this can be one of the 'fair' tags going around. Its fair cause its quite random .. ;)

1. If ur gf asks you to wear something pink... what is that going to be?

Firstly, I think I not much of a guy who could be controlled or directed as one wishes to (though, I didn't mention that I do fickle when it comes to incentives :D). So, even if my GF asks me to do something, I guess it would be out of sheer love that I would do it. ohk ohk. I won't brag about myself being so mean now.

Now, obviously it won't be pink undergarments. Neither can it be a pink trouser, I mean who wears those .. some weird roady rite .. so I guess it would be either a pink shirt (which I do own), or a pink pullover, or say a pinkish skull cap .. I do have all of them already **wink wink**

2. A long queue prompts me to think..?

How much time would it really take. Does the clock runs slower when I have few people standing in front of me? Is there any nice girl in the queue ..ohh .. there is one .. alright .. let her be ;)
It also prompts me to think a lot of stuff about life and how people behave, how I can laugh at people just thinking that they act so stupid .. which even I might have done sometimes .. but afterall I have been standing here since long .. don't I deserve some fun ..

3. thankfully, I am not Akbar the Great, had I been.. I would have ?

I would have been embarrassed of the greatness being praised to no ends. I would have to behave like a king and not a common man. I would have to be the old guy, and not let my son marry someone he loved. I would have been harsh and prudent. I would have been great, but overwhelmed.

4. The three things you were just about to write during a chat, but refrained yourself..?

Now did she wanted to know what I am hiding or wat? .. That was a bit of a surprise question. But very apt. Now I would consider the question as very generic, and answer it in a similar fashion. Few words that I might refrain myself from saying would be words that I feel would force someone to do something. I mean I don't like this force. So, may be I won't say words like .. I want you to .. or I wish you could .. or .. (just for that matter) how I feel about you ..

5. The "ahaa" moment today

well .. eventually it turned out to be the examination. I mean it was a kind of weird question paper, the one which no one really understood what and how it was to be answered. The invigilator didn't have much of an issue with people chatting around and discussing, so it was fun .. cause I created concepts of my own .. me and my friendz laughed over the stupidity of concepts .. and the fact that we wrote whatever we wished to write .. I hope it makes some sense to the poor professor .. eventually he admitted that he made it exhaustive .. BANG !!

6. Phrase it in the this way - "Life is like an ice-cream, eat it before it melts"... similarly... "Life is like a/an... ......... , before it drops...?

Life is like an adorable puppy, before it drops any shit !!

7. the most forbidden wall-paper on ur desktop can be?

A picture of me. I tell you, its quite true.

8. the best thing about being an Indian is..?

well, I don't know why people really connect themselves to their nation or land. I think its more because you have been here all the time, and thats where you are most comfortable ..had I been born in say Europe .. I would have loved it in a similar fashion ..

so the best thing about being Indian is that I am comfortable being one.

9. i think i should not be kept in a mental asylum because..?

Cause you [everyone who reads it ;)]won't be there.

10. all the women in this world have suddenly become too happy, guess what would have happened?

Ahh Women !! I am sure the waters have turned pink. **wink wink**

more of less

2007-11-24T15:13:00.000+05:30

The problem with me these days is that I am quite free. Not exactly talking with reference to time, but almost everything. Not free of thoughts of course, I guess I can never be. I don't even know if I want to be. So, I am almost free of everything else, not related to anything which used to be quite a part pf my life earlier. I am not even much in to music these days, which really sucks.

The thing that I dread most is that I am free of people. I don't have anyone to think about. I mean I do, but not in the real sense. Whatever that thought about someone is, its all impractical and seemingly non-existent. I think its good if you have someone to think of, even if it degrades you somewhat. I am more skeptical now. If I want to call someone, I think a lot before pressing that green button. What is it that we are going to talk about, it would be the normal 'Hi's and Hello's', it could be special too, but then it doesn't lead you anywhere. Actually, I am quite void.

Its more of less talking. I don't chat a lot these days. I do spend most of my time looking at my laptop, refreshing web pages, watching movies and sometimes listening some music. Something is lost or rather a lot of it. And moreover I don't even feel like doing any hard work, be it for studies or getting along with someone. I think the 'Me' is kind of lost, but the 'Inevitable I' is still there, the I - the present.

The eloquent dreams are dead or bygone. And I am standing still, watching them leave. There's not a emotion on the face, the head's erect and the eyes keen. I ain't looking from the corners anymore. And suddenly the subtle question of 'What difference does it make?' is answered. Nothing.

Song:

Premeditation will kill the trust
They'll never know if you fear me
With every second collecting dust
I feel so bloated and weary
'Cause she belongs to heaven

She's coming over like a suicide
And its the same old trip, the same old trip as before
Another complicating suicide
And its the same old trip, the same old trip. AS BEFORE!

FMORT & 3 things

2007-11-20T14:00:00.000+05:30

1. FMORT :

Tagged by: Madhavi

I guess I am not going to think and pen down, and then write here. I will just do a 2 minute rambling here, writing whatever comes to mind. So, where was I? I was at home, sulking almost all the time, watching TV and enjoying a bit of peace. Also, preparing myself for some exam. It just turns out that initially you might not care about the exams, but then eventually you tend to give them some shit. It affects you in some way. But then I am not always amused when talked about studies, cause of course there are better things to think of and do. And rite now, I am almost dumb. Nothing to do really. Thats how it is with me mostly, nothing to do really. Now some of you might think that its good in a way, but I guess its not because being free you tend to think a bit more and that causes some trouble. You think of things that should be left behind, and you also dream of the future, how its going to be and how it should be. None of us know what its going to be, but then you do have the right to think of it, at least dream . Life is such a mess really. You desire a lot of it, and you want to get rid a lot of it at the same time.

What do I want to do lately? I want to talk. Actually, I really want to talk, like you know a normal talk and all. Not that I have been keeping numb lately, but I guess normally uttering some words doesnt count to any talking. Its very dreamy actually. Currently, I am at a confused stage. I have got jobs, but then I am not sure if I should be really taking it up next year or not. I have chances of heading abroad again, but it so turns out that in this mayhem of doing a lot of things, it would be missed, not that I would regret it, its fine. Such is my life these days, a lot unsure of itself. The grave question is, What Should I Be? (If at all I am bound to be something).

I guess I am done.

2. Three Things in my life I can never let go of:

Tagged By: Ashu

Well, its kind of hard, cause firstly there isn't much that I have to really hold on to. I means its not that someone or something can shatter me, my confidence, my friends, my whims, my humor or anything else that I possess, they can be lost for a while, but then the 'Inevitable I' returns.

But anyways I guess it needs to be listed.

MYself: I think I wouldn't want to loose myself. It is because a lot of times I do loose myself to certain things. I just want to be myself, basically I haven't really realized what exactly I am. It's hard. It so happens that I am quite pessimistic about myself, I guess that makes it even harder. Even if my friends would tell me that I am looking good, I would waive it off saying, 'your joking', and amusingly it follows quite a lot of abuses, stating that I would only believe if I was told that I looked like a donkey, and that I would be happy about it. HAHAHAHA. So, its kind of that way. Basically, I don't want to loose the 'oh-so-kind' myself *GRIN*.

Love: I know its a teaser. Its there, and its not there. Its there in a lot of ways, like people liking me, friends and a loving family. But then its not there too in a lot of things, not only in terms of a girl. Like, not loving myself, hating myself a lot of times, and for a lot of things. So, I don't want to loose on to love, whatever way it might come, be it some bloggers coming here and really looking forward to reading my stuff. Believe me it feels good. I guess its because its a base of life, without love all is lost, and for that matter I don't want to feel lonely.

Goodness: Tiny littly, whatever amount its there in me, I don't want to loose it. I always dream of being that 'oh-so-decent' boy. Its not that I am not **Scar-face**. I just want to be good, good to all, to myself. Good at things. On the contrary, I am quite rude at times, which I dislike at times. I just want to be good, you know.. hehe.

So, thats it. I am done. done dana done done.

of me / of you

2007-10-31T19:48:00.000+05:30

Sometimes you want to act, based on influences. Its not exactly an influence though, its like trying to do things which someone likes or say just to do those things so as to prove yourself as a similar being, who thinks the same. Its some sort of a classification. Classification in the terms that you can divide people based on the kind of things they do, what they like and what values they reflect. Sometimes it so happens that you tend to be in a different class than the other. But then you want to change your class. Why? May be just like that or may be you just want to change yourself a bit. Its all for happiness, rather contentment.

Basically, its like you want to be more intelligent and possessed of better skills to prove yourself a better being or say to feel good. Well I sure know that this 'feel good' resides in the smaller things too. So, its a bit weird. But then it tends to give you bits of happiness within, which is worth it.

Watch movies. I do. But sometimes I feel like I should pick some lines, the intelligent ones or the humorous ones for that matter. Read books. I guess its more about remembering the good things or even putting them to use when required. It's not that I cannot create things of my own, sure can. But then its some kind of a profess, which I would like to bestow upon me. For the good I mean.

But one valid question here would be, Do we try to hide ourselves behind that coveted intelligence, which is more of faked. I wonder if people like it when people are super normal? Is normal the new intelligent? Does extraordinary count here or is there anything of the sorts, extraordinary? One of my friends claims himself to be 'ordinarily' ordinary. He's got a whim I suppose or a wit (LOL). He also claims that all around him be it better or worse, are all extra-ordinary in some sense. Now does that mean that he would like to count more normal people around him then the so called 'extra-ordinary'. Does that mean that the 'normal/true' self should win over the crafted pretense? I always believed it should. But I do have second thoughts. In some way or the other we do have to pretend. Sometimes pretend to be not what we are, be it pretending to be happy and content !!

Have said all of that, I still like things when they take the 'normal' course. May be it so happened lately, having faced the 'laugh-on-my-face' attitude of the round-robin ways of going about things. To talk about love is obvious. So, to quote, is love better if it takes the normal course? Of course. Atleast, I believe so for the time being.

So who wants a cup of coffee anyways? :)

being exact

2007-10-24T00:35:00.000+05:30

In us, the confusion is inherent. In every desire, in every longing, in love we are one confused being. The one who is sure, is less confused. We know nothing about the ends or the extremities, yet we wish to put ourselves to the test of limits. It's vary. It can scare you to the limits of your meaningless fantasies.

The matters of heart are not exact.

higher ends

2007-10-20T00:06:00.000+05:30

'just a meaningless kiss .. oooh oooh ooo' I continued humming to my own pleasure. She stepped in, debating. 'A kiss is not meaningless, it can't be', she asserted.

'A kiss is a kiss is a kiss', she amused at her own strange rhyming words. 'oh, don't tell me', I continued with my pleasure of the song. 'No, a kiss is a kiss is a kiss', she kept on asserting, knowing that if you wanted a guy to believe something it was only to let him listen it a hundred times. 'It sure can be', I raised my eyes in a manner that was more than convincing. 'I mean when you kiss just because you want to kiss'. 'Isn't it meaningless', he questioned. ('hehe.. senseless', he thought to himself).

Not that I believe it, It was just a convo.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine recently said, 'You're the intellectual kinds'. I guess there's nothing I can do about it, other than boasting about it in my blog. Hehe. She also happens to say,'Girls like the intellectual kinds', and I was like are they Alien, can't they see I am here. Well may be they haven't got the signals to track down the 'MY' kinds. Now again, there's nothing I can do other than ranting about it in my blog. Hmm.

Not that I am one, but I just wonder how does one confirm it really?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And Oh .. I have got nothing to write :)

live or let go

2007-10-15T00:26:00.000+05:30

I lived to see
The beauty of thee
The touch of thy
Acquaintances made me fly
To the 'self', it was a lie

Now, I live this burden
The emotions that are sudden
The creep in me is falling
There's no name for calling

Then, I don't wish to continue
There's nothing that would be new
To count around me, its few
You know the grace of this dew?
Its overwhelming,
So am I
overwhelmed of thee & thy
The whims in this faceless cry

I am wrapped and packed
Yet to be delivered .. I wait.

queried

2007-10-13T17:42:00.000+05:30

Annie's Tag:

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it?
are we talking about my anatomy or wat ..

2.What does your phone look like?
Ofcourse, a Phone !!
was it the model u wantd to knw? 3220 Nokia

3.What is on the walls of your bedroom?
Paint.

4. What is your current desktop picture?
Katrina Kaif (no.. not nude .. not even revealing)

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?
Why would I believe, I am not gay. I dont have issues with gays though.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
love & conversation.

7 . What time were you born?
5min to midnight :)

9. Last person who made you cry?
Boys dont cry.

10. What is your favorite perfume / cologne?
donno about tht .. I sure like adidas.

11. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex?
blue/green/brown eyes,
well I guess all this hair thing depends .. its very person dependent .. wat looks gud on someone .. some even look awesome in short boyish hair duo.

12. What are you listening to?
ohh .. d time passed .. nd you wouldn't believe .. rite now .. its ..
'aa khushi se khudkhushi kar le' - Darling

13. Do you get scared of the dark?
My lights are on while sleeping.

14. Do you like pain killers?
neither I adore pain, nor I praise killers ..

15. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Bet me on that.

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
I would rather not say ;)

17. Who was the last person you made you mad?
mad in wat sense?
the angry types or like falling mad fr someone ..

18. Who was the last person who made you smile?
someone & something :)

And ohh yes .. the devil inside me is pretty much ready now. ..
booom .. I tag:

1. Dhruv
2. Ashu
3. Pri
4. Raaji

alter ego

2007-10-11T18:32:00.000+05:30

Some people I don't understand many a times.

Having spent quite a time with them, having been close enough to be sincere to give it a try, but then failing to the very core of interpretations/understandings. What I fail to understand the most is what drives these people? Specially the egoistic ones. Of course it is the Ego or the sadistic pleasure of its being, but why?

Is there a day that they can get off it, in the real sense. This ego, this nonchalant disposition towards setting your so called self at the higher ends, and then boastfully tagging your self to be 'eccentric', is mere hypocrisy. Such people I feel hardly touch the realms of sacrifice. Of such a noble thing, they know nothing. I have diminishing expectations towards them. All they know is to refute anything or everything that is not under the closet of their understanding. All that it is, is meaningless.

I recently experienced the wrath of such spoilt issues. Its rather funny to see how people turn their sarcasm towards you. It makes you believe for sure that you are one of the different kinds from them, be it superior or inferior. Of this I don't talk, but they would take immense pleasure in such an indulgence, coming to the gruesome limits of proving their so called 'perfection'. Of being superior, and of having won over you, be it only for the words 'I WIN, YOU LOOSE'. It seems they have the brains of a child, who is so lost in his awe of getting things the way he wants, that he starts inclining himself towards being utterly 'stubborn'.

With all confidence and an unbearable force in her words, she would say, 'I am sorry, but I am like that. If I have decided for doing something a way, I don't change it'. 'ek bar sock lia ye nahi karna, to nahi karna'. It sounds all so insatiable. Is it not for the fake pride of yours?

Well, anyways. I don't have much issues with how people behave, cause in the end you tend to learn more and more, that you were never meant to be together. That: you are what you are, and they are what they are, and their's no place for an 'us' here. All's well that ends well, but what if there is no end to such a thing?

Should I be amused at their lack of sense or should I buzz off?

nostalgia

2007-10-09T22:57:00.000+05:30

'I am weird', he said.
'I know', she confirmed, nodding in a comic fashion.
'No. You don't get it. I am WEIRD .. you know .. the capital W weird, like WEIRD', he tried to explain, presuming that she was bad at understanding the basics of being weird.
'ok ok. I get it', she tried to escape.

He was sad. He didn't knew what really made him sad. It was the movie 'Dil Dosti etc.' he thought. But what with the movie? HE couldn't really find an answer. All he could confront himself was with the word 'Ability', the lack of it.

'All this love stuff is funny .. you know. It makes me laugh out my guts observing people, to what extent they can push themselves for it or while in its grasp. Then it makes me sad too, how we long for it. Its complicated' he thought.

She was babbling like an old lady who had stories to tell, and assurances to gather. He heard her to all ends. It's important that people listen and not just hear, but what when you have a thousand things on your mind. He just heard her, meaningless words, fictional sentences.

'hey, say something else. I mean like a nice talk', he said in manner that was pleasing, non-offending at least. She understood what he meant. It felt like it.

'well .. like wat?', she said with a face confused then ever.

'Like a good conversation. A good pleasing healthy meaningful conversation ..', he said.
'You select a topic or something', she said in a skeptical manner.
'no topic ..nothing .. just generally ..about yourself .. or me .. or stuff ..', he said. There was little hope in her eyes, but much longing.

Someone once said to him, 'There's nothing better then a meaningful conversation. If you hold an intelligent conversation, nothing better then that'. It never sounded more convincing then today. He needed to hear some words, a good conversation.

'Hmmm'. She gasped, after a long silence.

The silence pervaded in to the vicinity. It felt it took over him.
He was sad again, void of words.

unfathomable

2007-10-01T18:21:00.000+05:30

It does not exist, what is called 'perfect'. Of love we talk, in it we reminisce. We hunt of the being, and find none. One longs for the other and the other longs for some-other. Its a vicious circle. To live in memories is to be happy, and to realize them is 'impractical'. To expect is to haunt, to let go is to be lost, to be normal is just quite 'IMPERFECT'.

surreal afternoon and the crowd

2007-09-21T22:47:00.000+05:30

'There doesn't seem to much of a happening crowd here', said N. N is a guy. So, by happening he meant there weren't any so called 'HOT' chicks around. Sitting all laid back, I tried to immerse myself a little more in the chair, not for the comfort but just to have a look around. N was right. Rather there wasn't a crowd at all. It was a surreal afternoon, lost in the vague monotonous events.

'I have been here during some afternoons, and all I could spot are some office going people, discussing there boring office crap discussions', I confirmed. 'Its much better in the evenings I guess'.

CCD was one of the places which have started enticing a lot of crowd not only here but in most parts of India. Though people might not have agreed upon the rituals of 'coming, sitting and sipping coffee, just for the sake of coffee' but it seemed they had confirmed of the place to be a place to sit, or a palace of social hangouts. More than being a cafe it was the Indian acronym of a place that was 'happening'. May be more for the crowd. 'I would have a cafe chain of mine someday', I conveyed to my lazy business mind.

The time when I was about to come up with a name of my own cafe, A broke in. 'I don't think it attracts a lot of good people. Every time you come here you end up finding some one of your own college itself. As if we rule this place'. It seemed the espresso had taken over her. 'The world may or may not be flat, but it sure is small', I thought.

For some moments no one spoke, and the silence seemed to be challenging, as if everyone was waiting for someone to speak. The inhibition or the sudden embarrassment of starting a chat took over everyone. N said something, he seemed to be thinking of finding something to say since a while. A said something and may be even I said something, but now it seems I wasn't really listening to any of them, neither to myself. We thought of the crowd and there she was. She looked quite young of her age, or may be she was much younger then she looked. She wore a dress that gave her such a stunning look like you would see on a red carpet. It was a show-off. Have I told you how much I hate that? But it was her own choice, may be she was worth a show-off. Had there been more people I am sure all eyes would have gazed at her table, rather at her half naked back, which was a beautiful contrast with her star like black dress and I am sure people would not have made a move. After all, people were there for the crowd and there it was.

She had a look of a young girl who was dying to show that she had a lot of beauty, more then what was bare and naked. Normally, I don't give much of a damn to such a crowd, but she was worth some attention. Why? I guess because she was younger. I never understood why gals had a liking for older men, but that moment I perfectly understood and if one asked I could explain why some guys can have a liking for younger girls. Sure she was pretty but she had a look of naughtiness. She was rather teasing. In her mind she said, 'I have got something, I have got the beauty, you can gaze at it, you can wonder and dream, but neither belongs to you and never it will, cause I am beautiful', I was sure she had such thoughts. It was there in her eyes, her looks, her teasing stares.

N sure was staring at her. Staring like hell I tell you. 'You see that one in the black, the crowd is here', he said. 'Yes, I can see that', I confirmed. A knew what we were looking at, may be she also knew what was on our minds, but may be she was wrong. I hate it. Some girls, rather most of the girls say it very bluntly, 'All guys are the same'. Like hell they are. We got different colors, different hairs, different emotions and different thoughts, how in the world can we be same. I mean all of them? How sick a thought that is. 'I sure am not thinking sexually about this girl, even if she is the so called 'HOT' chick', I assured myself. But to A I sure would have been thinking sexually. Girls are silly.

N, A and me kept talking for 30 more minutes. It was a meaningless talk, the way people talk when they have nothing else to do then talk. Killing the time, like I told you earlier. I was talking too, but now I think I wasn't listening much. That's me actually. I am lost most of the time, and I think that its good that I am lost. However meaningless the talk may be, I was always a part of it, I guess I had to be. It was what they called 'being social'. Its not that I don't like it, though its meaningless but it gives you something to find bits of humor and call it a 'good time'. Thats what life is about 'good times'. May be it is about 'REAL good times', but they are 'REAL' rare.

N had a look at his watch, had another look at the crowd, and the person that he is, something crept in him suddenly, and he said, 'quite a time hun, let make a move, shall we?'. 'Sure', I confirmed.

It was a surreal afternoon. And I confirmed.

killing imaginations

2007-09-14T16:10:00.000+05:30

Imagination I tell you can be killing. Almost every time.

He sat there awfully stressed of the long chat with someone. He stood up from his bed with inexplicable emotions haunting his very being. He decided to take a walk. He wanted to smoke. He walked carelessly to the near by shop, which was nothing more then a small tin box, but he didn't care as long as it served his needs. The ground was lush green, covered with the fresh grass, the ones that sprout out of the ground enjoying the cool rainy waters. The shop seemed more like a black box radiating heat in all directions, and consuming quite a lot of it at the same time. The sun was blazing like a fireball. He looked at the man with a confidence that one normally gets when one is rotten by his own filth and yet not ashamed of himself. He asked for a pack of cigarettes shamelessly. He gave it to him with the same sense of no-shame. He paid what was desired and walked back. Thoughts as they would never escape his head kept wandering, hitting the shy walls of his head, making them ache with desperation to get rid of them.

He was someone who lived in a lot of imagination. This helped him create a world of himself where everything was perfect. Prefect to his own sense. 'When everything is the way you want it to be you can term it as perfect', he mused at his own idiosyncrasies. But however perfect this world may be, it was an abode of bitterness, a lot of it. By the time he reached the gates and climbed those seemingly never ending stairs, he had already started exploring the wits of his imagination.

He was there, in that world. It was a pub rather. A pub in India. (Now you can guess what hell of an imagination it was, the perfect world).

He was standing right in front of the bar. With the corner of his eye he saw her coming. She came straight as if it was the shortest path that she could find, almost colliding with people who were rather passing by a bit more carefully. She snatched his cigarette and took it away, pressing its red hot side against the ashtray mercilessly. 'Girls have that niche of taking away from Men their only saviors and punishing them to death', he thought. He grabbed the pack, took out another one like he didn't care. With a brisk move she took the whole pack, more sternly this time. Furious as he was to those stupid reactions, he walked away, wandering around, searching for someone who could be of little help whilst this humiliation. His eye caught a charming girl standing on the other corner, all by herself, carefree, unmoved and constantly trying to loose herself in the straining puffs that she took.

He went by her side and whispered in a more polite manner, than what he had been brought through since a while. 'Excuse me', he said with a smile on his face, like he has never been any happier. Something jolted her, as she came out of her 'loosing herself in the puff' state. 'Yes', she answered in a equally non-confided smile.

'If you don't mind could you spare me a cigarette please', he said smiling with a exuberance that was never his own. 'That girl there in the corner stole all my cigarettes and wouldn't let me have them back' he reasoned.

'Oh, we can call the security if you like', she said alarmed by the sheer smell of a crime.
'Oh, no need. She's just a friend who doesn't like the idea of me having a little time for myself. Me and my cigarette, she hates that relationship', he mused.
'Ok, sure. Here, you can have one of these, its a women's brand though', she smiled.
'Never a problem miss, at least we Men can learn something about the tastes of the creatures we are termed we hardly understand', he said with a humor created out of his own misery.

She laughed. 'You seem to be a nice guy'.
'Sure I am miss', he laughed too.

"By the way I am John", and he took out a hand, asking for another to join it.
"Hey, this is Claire", she said reaching for the longing hand.
'If you don't mind, would like a drink, more for knowing the taste of women in alcohol', he said, his eyebrows raised.

'Sure, I would like a vodka raspberry, with little ice', she said, confident of her tastes.
He ordered the drinks, a vodka raspberry for himself too just to join her in her ways. 'It was good to surrender your tastes for a while' he thought.

He could still see her standing at the other corner of the bar. It was a perfect night, because he was having his way. He wanted to prove to her that he was bounded by no one, and he can have things the way he liked. It was a world of bitterness he knew. He was not what he was in real, but he was content, it was he who ruled the time here.

'Hey, thats my favorite song', he said with a sudden amusement in his eyes. It was more of a charm than amusement.
'I love that song too', she said surprised. All these years of visiting the bars she had hardly come across a guy who was so pleasant in his personality (it was his world after all), and yet knew how to shout like a boy who knew no boundaries, someone who was far from the complexity of sophistication but was quite decent at the same time. He was happy at some words which were even hard to grasp in the mayhem that they were in presently.

'Let's sing it', he said. Eyes of hope fixed upon her.
'Sure', she agreed, with a hint of closeness.
Thus they started shouting, pretending to be singing.

'It's a world where I live, and no one dies' she shouted at the highest pitch her lungs could allow.
'It's some place where no one cries', he shouted with a rather low pitch.
oooo .. oooo .. 'Am I supposed to sing that too ..", he mused.
She laughed again, holding on to him this time. He knew something was about to come then. Suddenly, he saw Jocelyn leaving the bar. She headed straight from the corner of the bar towards the gate, in the same careless manner, bumping in to few careful ones, spilling few drops of beer here and there.

'What are you doing tonight, lets go my place, and we can sing at this song in a more coherent manner', she asked.
'Well, I am sorry. I would love to, but I can't. I have to drop my friend, I think she's about to leave', he said. He was surprised at his own escape (Was it a perfect world anymore?). He walked away greeting claire, whom he knew was someone interesting. 'In life you have more concerns than to care for interesting things even', he shrugged.

He came out of the bar, and saw her walking through the pavement. He ran in order to catch up with her. 'Come, I will drop you home', he said in an uncaring manner. She continued walking as if she heard nothing. 'I said I will drop you home', he said with a more furious tone. She turned back and gazed at him. He knew those sad eyes. Those were the eyes that made him turn down the 'singing song in my apartment' offer. She stared him for a while, trying to reflect anger in her eyes. He knew she couldn't manage it. She was terrible that moment, and he wished if he could catch hold of her hand and walk. She turned back saying nothing, and continued walking. He pretended as if nothing happened and walked along.

'This road doesn't lead to your house, does it?', she questioned after a while, without looking at him. She watched the bright moon disappear, as if it feared the anguish of those dark clouds. It instilled in her a fear of being lost, unheard, unknown, uncared. It was a cold night. He said nothing. They continued to walk for a while saying nothing, assuming to themselves that they were walking alone.

'Why are you following me', she turned suddenly.
'I am just taking a walk, do you mind? This road belongs to the republic of India .. and I am an indian citiz..' ..
'Shut up', she shouted. Almost breaking down in her own fury. He was numb like the night. He was determined not to turn back. They continued walking in the silence of their anger.

Walking down five blocks, he stopped suddenly. "There you are, that's you house", he said breaking the silence, maintaining his serious composure. 'I know', she said with an anger she had never felt before.

He waited for a moment and continued walking. She kept staring at his shadow moving at a brisk pace. 'Have a good night', thats the only thing she heard. He walked few yards and took a turn just to escape her eyes. He felt like he was being pierced by a look that he knew had no meaning. She looked in to the darkness for a moment. He was there a moment ago, and he had disappeared that very moment. Suddenly, the fear of darkness seemed to engulf her. She couldn't bear it any more and went inside.

On the other side of the road, he walked along the lonely path, darkness surrounding him. Sounds of vehicles fading in the distance, no one to been seen around. He felt as if he has walking since ages, searching for a sign of civilization and to no avail. He gasped at his stupification, 'It's not a perfect world I know'.

He came back to normalcy with a sudden twist of his hand. The cigarette was about to touch his skin, he wished it could burn and not pain. But his body reacted. He was out of his imagination, the so called perfect world.

read the book

2007-09-13T19:49:00.000+05:30

He continued reading in the diminishing heat of the evening sun. The sky was pale blue, with shades of orange and gray around the boundaries. The black clouds of water could be seen in the distant. It might rain in the night, or tomorrow or may be it wont rain throughout the week, but there was hope. A beautiful evening as always. Unaware of the chirping birds returning to their dwellings, as darkness fell upon this side of the planet he continued reading 'Love in the time of cholera'. The filth in and around him couldn't move him a bit. He wanted to spend few hours reading. It was more about killing time than putting it to use. But reading was something he had fallen in love with lately.

The day he thought of reading that very book, he had a funny feeling about it. 'Love is a funny thing', he thought to himself. You crave for it when your not into it, but the irony to him was that it was real easy to fall for it and real hard to sustain that balance of falling and yet being in a state of perfectness. To him love had a humor, which in no time transformed itself in to an inevitable sarcasm. More than admiring it, he disowned it.

Despite the funny feeling he was there that evening, running his vision through the words, with wavering thoughts. Books are generally capturing in the sense that they captivate your thoughts, and make you believe that such has been your story too, sometimes atleast. Books gave him a hard feeling, but thats why he loved them. Being lost in a thought provoking was better than pondering over meaningless love and life.

While he tried to fix his mind on reading, he could hear different sounds in the distant. The place where he lived was full of endless echoes, discussions among students at one or the other corner of the hostel, people running down the stairs while shouting names that they made out of their own amusement, banters over issues none was concerned with, abuse to the extent that an outsider would never believe that they were supposedly the engineers or managers of tomorrow. It was a life of fun, sadness and mesmerism. Everyone had someone to talk to and talk about, but yet they were alone while in their lonely rooms. He was lonely too this evening. It was yet another day, and having slept for ageless hours throughout the day, it didn't matter if the day was pleasant or lousy. All that mattered was time, how to kill it.

He stayed where he was. He knew the day that was about to end would pass soon, and darkness would entice every living being in to its mystery. 'Darkness would be everywhere', he amused, 'inside me, outside me'. Defeated by his craving stomach, he finally rose out of his lazy book reading and headed straight to the mess. He wondered, 'If it was really for food, why would they call it a mess (or whatever the real acronym was). No wonders they serve us bad'. He thought of the other day.

'How come you are in the class today', she asked with inquisitive eyes.
'Well, I wanted to see you', he amused.
'oh, really?', she said with a sarcasm that was rather funny.
'Yes, am I not supposed to see my friends', he threw it back.
'ya, like you always joke around', she said smiling.

Then he knew how bad he was at flirting around or even a simple amusement. He couldn't manage it with a friend, how could he in real. Such things would occur to him usually, like a test, and he wouldn't care much about it. So it passed as the talks progressed. It was a fine day, atleast he was not sad. He was rather a happy day. 'There are certain days where you are perfectly normal yet smiling at small things', he mused. He wished if life could be full of such days, but the way it worked it was practically impossible for an individual to be normal and happy throughout. The people who one would term to be happy for the more parts of their life were the one who managed to smile at the face of every sad day. But they were sad. "A smile doesn't necessarily mean you are happy", he exasperated.

The sudden noise caused by a cat running over the edge, pushing down few plates filled of left out food, made him comeback to the evening that was about to get dark, soon it was to loose its orange. It was the end of another day. Suddenly, he managed to succeed in the endless endeavor of his. The time of today was dead. He managed to Kill it again.

at random

2007-09-07T01:06:00.000+05:30

It makes me sad. When some people I know (online/offline) and pretty much care for are sad, it makes me sad. Its kind of strange I know. Sometimes you shouldn't put your nose in to people's life and keep sniffing what they are upto and specially matters that concern them and could be personal. But somehow I have that niche of catching people and asking them if everythings fine and good, that is fair, but then at times I do keep pressing on WHY,WHY, WHY? in case I sense something wrong. Obviously, you can sense that if you have been talking to someone since long. Believe it or not, its somewhat selfish. I can tell you the reasons too, but I guess I wont.

Its not that since I am writing about it today something happened all of a sudden, I have realized it since long, just that I thought of writing it down today.

I also realized lately that my HUMOR has really died. Not sure if someone would confirm of that, but I think I used to be quite a humorous guy sometime. I seem to have lost it somehow. Is it bad? Like hell it is. Humor is something which can at times let you put yourself forth in the real sense, like a real expression of you or may be your personality.

Actually, a lot things make me sad sometimes. During the day I went to the usual place called 'gole ka mandir' and while I was standing in front of barbers shop, I saw this poor beggar woman, quite young and beautiful in her own sense I think, had just wrapped herself up with a saree that couldn't really cover her up. Sometime she would laugh at something, the other time start looking at the people passing by. She looked me quite a few times, me, standing there plainly. What look was that? I don't know. Was it hope, was it plain or was it pity. Not knowing it makes me sad. Seeing such people makes me sad.

'It makes me sad'. I have shamelessly copied this line from Cather in the Rhye. It sure is a classic. I think I should read it again.

Some people really piss me off with their ego. Having been around her for a while, talking to her, donno if all that was phony or true or what, but not once, not twice, rather a lot of times she would piss me off. May be I was pissed off for my own expectations. Like a fool I went back, not once but twice. But seriously, once spoiled its never the same. None of you could make sense out of this, but sure someone would. I mean whats the big deal with taking things normally. Can't people for sometime put this stupid thing of 'you did this', 'you did that' aside and listen to simple things. Sure I want to be obeyed sometimes. But truly she would never know the reasons why I ended it. BINGO :). It makes me sad when I am rude. Damn with the person,, I don't care, but the fact that I was rude, the fact that it happened makes me sad.

The very very sad thing about life is that you really don't learn from your mistakes. Not sure if its only me or what. But I seriously don't happen to learn. I mean I keep doing the same things again and again, even when I know they wont take me anywhere. But I guess its worth a risk to see a lot of life's faces.

Having discussed what makes me sad thing, its not that I am sad or something. These days I rather blog to just write down the things that just come to my mind while writing it down. Its more like a discussion. More like a talk, a talk that you cant really talk with someone. Why? Cause you can't really face that shame of talking all this. Its weird. Its hard.

I listen to that song 'bepanah pyaar hai' again and it reminds me of someone. I should rather get my cell recharged and do a bit of calling around. Yes I am such a jerk, my cell hardly has any balance. Fuck nothing matters .. hahaha .. this really really is funny cause I really dont do that even if I have a GF. Hahaha.

Ok enough of update cinderella .. let me shell down some lines from the song on a happy note :)

Soona Soona Lamha Lamha
Meri Rahein Tanha Tanha
Aakar Mujhe Tum Tham Lo
Manzil Teri Dekhe Rasta
Mud Ke Zara Ab Dekh Lo
Aisa Milan Phir Ho Na Ho
Sab Kuch Mera Tum Hi To Ho
Bapanah Pyaar Hai Aaja
Tera Intezaar Hai Aaja
O Bapanah Pyaar Hai Aaja
Tera Intezaar Hai Aaja
Soona Soona Lamha Lamha
Meri Rahein Tanha Tanha

Bichhde Bhi Ham Jo Kabhi Raston Main
To Sang Sang Rahungi Sada
Kadmon Ki Aawaaz Sun Ke Chalungi
Tumhe Dhoond Loongi Sada
Bhooli Mohabbat Ki Yeh Khushbuye Hain
Hawaon Main Phaili Hui
Chhu Kar Mujhe Aaj Mahsoon Kar Lo
Vo Yadein Meri Unchhui
Aisa Milan Phir Ho Na Ho
Sab Kuch Mera Tum Hi To Ho
Bapanah Pyaar Hai Aaja
Tera Intezaar Hai Aaja
O Bapanah Pyaar Hai Aaja
Tera Intezaar Hai Aaja
Soona Soona Lamha Lamha
Meri Rahein Tanha Tanha

Aaa.. Aaa..
Vadon Ke Dhagon Main Hum Tum Bandhe Hain
Zara Dor Tum Tham Lo
Bahon Main Aise Pighal Jane Do Mujhko
Aise Mera Naam Lo
Main Vo Shama Hoon Jo Roshan Tumhe Karke
Khud To Pighal Jaungi
Subah Ka Sooraj Tumhare Liye Hai
Main Hoon Raat Dhal Jaungi
Aisa Milan Phir Ho Na Ho
Sab Kuch Mera Tum Hi To Ho
Bapanah Pyaar Hai Aaja
Tera Intezaar Hai Aaja
O Bapanah Pyaar Hai Aaja
Tera Intezaar Hai Aaja
Soona Soona Lamha Lamha
Meri Rahein Tanha Tanha
Mud Ke Zara Ab Dekh Lo
Aisa Milan Phir Ho Na Ho
Sab Kuch Mera Tum Hi To Ho

Its more of a gals song, but I just love it, even more after having heard it from that ringtone :D.

Ps: sowie cinderella its not that interesting an update. :)

future sex/love

2007-09-04T03:17:00.000+05:30

Its strange. I got this title for both of my posts, in my photoblog as well.

I never thought I would listen to Justin "R" Timberlake ever. But I did. Going back home does this to me. Why? Cause I am browsing around the channels, like one lousy guy. Ofcourse, I am lousy.

About future sex/love, well I really loved this post . Its kind of my story, all by removing the finding your Ms. Right in real thing. I guess this could be everyones story too. No, I shall not rant about not finding someone and the crap ahead, but its a normal discussion. All that is a passe for me now. Looking forward to something? Not sure really. Some of my friends would say that I have turned in to some kind of Devdas lately. How true is that, this I am not sure about. May be. But I do respect my lever and dont drink too much, neither will I die being a super-super alcoholic bastardo (mexican form of 'bastard').

I am not pissed, cause I still love watching 'TITANIC', like I used to. Life doesn't change much really. You repent certain things, but its all the same. Mostly.

So here I am listening to future sex/love and finding pleasure.
Love? well better we not talk about it, I guess.

But music, like I have been repeating all the time since I heard the very first song of my life, is something that I cannot part with. It rather is my pal. It is more fun when some songs makes you remember someone, be it for the sad or happy parts of it. Rather its mostly sad. But it sure is fun. Believe me.
So, I listen to this amazing song from the bollywood flick 'Krishna Cottage', bepanah pyaar hai aaja tera intezaar hai aaja and reminisce. It reminds of the time when I heard it on someone's mobile ringtone. Past is good, the only bad thing about it is that it is 'PAST'. Present is worse cause you cant get to live in the past for long, and more because it reminds you of the unattainable past or the past that you wish you could change. Future sure sucks for the uneasiness of its intrigue, the unpredictability and the insecurity of it being past sometime. 'Whats in hold for me' is something that can haunt you. Haunt you like seriously. Fearsome, cause its inevitable.

Life takes turn and you try to find a meaning of your basic necessities to go on. Things like happiness, purpose, motive, love, innocence loose meaning in the awe of time. Time is a killer I tell you. Me? I am a killer of time though, and the give-take relationship that it is, time kills me.
A teacher of mine used to say 'There's so much to do and so little is done' quoting someone. This sounds true but lame. The only problem being, that it is SO MUCH. Me? well, I am a poor soul. I aint got no worries, and like the troublesome relationship it is, this troubles me.

Timberlake says, 'What goes around, comes around'. Did I tell you he is such a darling. Telling darn truths, hitting them right on my bloody face. So what goes around does come around, not that I am talking about the physics of a circular motion, rather the psychology of it.
Me? I am a rude guy, very unsure and skeptical mostly, and like the goes-around relationship it is, life is rude on me. A biyaatch it is. See, Timberlake laughs. That bastard.

That bastard, you know, keeps laughing. Me? well, the stupid-smile relationship that it is, I take a deep sigh and laugh back. The sky, ohh, sorry but it does follow the physics of circular/elliptical motion. What goes around does come around.

Me?
ohh.. The eye to eye relationship that it is, I watch it, watch it hard. It just goes around. STUPId.

evening

2007-09-02T18:08:00.000+05:30

In the nonchalant silence of the room he sat ideally on the chair, resting his legs on the table beside him, resting his arms over his head. Suddenly, with a raise in his voice to the song he has been constantly humming for the past hour, he rolls his sleeves up to the shoulders. To relax. But the humid is still discomforting, un-assuring. He thinks in the unmoving yet touching words of the song. About life he thinks. About life , about lost love, about love untouched, less understood people, unreached friends, unexplained thoughts. He thought about the Inevitable himself. Something or someone that he couldn't avoid, irrespective of how dearly he might wish to.

He would think of things that can potentially make him happy. The mundane questions of what life is all about and what exactly do you want in life, echoing all around him, waiting for 'THE APT' answer, but to no avail. The questions would come back to him again and again, creating a haunt of their own. With anguish he would gasp at last, and murmur a little sigh of "forget it", but not to his relief. He thinks of people who could write beautifully, who knew the true meaning of words and how to use them to create an effect. He read people who knew how to convey, and he wondered if it was easy or if it could be practiced. Books were now a part of his loneliness. To aggravate this sorrow of his were books, which talked of love and ruthlessness at the same time. Writings which linked peace and pity in one thread, revealing the true wilderness of human nature and world to him. Was is not fiction, he wondered.
But it would hurt him anyways. To him reading them was a sadistic pleasure, or at least a mode of getting engaged. Because free mind as they said, was a "devil's workshop", not for the reason that it made you dull, but for the fact that it made you think, rather over-think. To him, over thinking was like questioning your own beliefs or rather a quest to find out what you really believed in. Trust me, it is hard to find it out. Like real hard.

He wanted to get over being sleazy, but sometimes one just cant help himself. Like I said, you are Inevitable I.

All these thoughts, the words of the song echoed around his head, combating against one another for a victory, as if to take over his mind. It irritated him more because he knew this way he would end up nowhere. It was sick, because the thoughts would never fail their way. The fan above him roared with the forces of friction keeping him intact, else it would swirl in the air and topple down, like a free falling geek who loves the ground. He wished there was nothing of the sorts what they called 'Friction'. The fan would crush his head then, push him in the darkness of death, away from the thoughts of dullness. Suddenly, he wanted to eat something. Thats the problem with inner frustrations, it attacks your tummy first, not your head. Rather I guess it never reaches your head. It waves around your heart, and dies down their leaving it gasping for air.

He thought,"May be, the problem is with the heart". "Is it only my heart?", he questioned. Not to his surprise, he couldn't find an answer.

He tried to gain a calm poise, to not think at all. To shut his mind. He didn't wanted the song to fade though. He didn't care if it was psychotic or not, but he could easily relate a lot within his life to certain songs. He had even tried to find the meaning of his life in those words, which would mesmerize him for long. He would ponder over them, but not to any anger because they posed a meaning which was easy to understand. It was simple and not sophisticated. To like or dislike a song was a simple choice, it were the words, the tone, the music and the meaning. But some songs would take time to really please his ego. He thought,"Maybe, that's how life worked too". You walked your life listening to a lot of people around you, if you found them worthy enough, you wouldn't mind them around you. It was then that you realized the importance of your own self in the awe of others. But then he thought, "Maybe life is more then just people, because it is my life that I am talking about. It ought to have a few personal intricacies to itself". These personal intricacies was what he kept searching for. To him, it was a teasing. "Ahh!! Life is complicated", he shrugged.

Tired of fighting his own questions, ending up not finding any answers, he went outside. It was a beautiful evening. Suddenly, he seemed to have gained some peace. It indeed was a beautiful evening. With empty thoughts, he gasped at the intriguing complexity of nature and the beauty in that complexity. He sipped his coffee, and hushed,"It sure is beautiful, this World".
"Is it for me?", he questioned.

The sun went down with every tic tic of the wall clock, spreading its red all over. The evening was a painter.

being practical

2007-08-22T00:42:00.000+05:30

This would be more of a thought sharing than writing something out. Its something that I guess happens with most of us, and surely with me as well. Having a fall for someone who is already fallen for someone else or someone who is out of your league.

Fine I like someone, but she also does like someone else, infact she has a BF. Its very easily said, like all the time, I am happy cause she is happy. Its alright. She is happy is a good thing, no worries with that. But you being happy is impractical. One just can't be. She is happy is OHK but her happiness is not you, which is quite a piss off. Being practical, all one can do is FORGET it. (or may be hang around there for a while, till your own threshold pisses you off).

Why am I writing this. I dont know. Just like that. Its not that there is someone or something .. Just like that.

Talking about being crazy for someone out of your league. Well, there is nothing like 'OUT OF LEAGUE' I suppose. Its basically a fact that those people are rather looking for something that is not YOU. I mean specially that game of 'BEING SOPHISTICATED' or pretending to be an out of league guy yourself, is what makes all this out of league notion. But the depressing part in such cases is if you really like someone, and you know that what she really is looking for is something more than what you can really afford to be .. like being that very NEAT guy, the guy in perfect shape, the guy with a boost in his voice .. like sounding to be more serious and mature than you really are .. here it is .. there are basically looking for more mature men. SO, thats what the 'out of the league' thing is all about.

But like I said last time, its really hard to understand people. REAL HARD when they are not very revealing kinds. What you can really do in such cases is .. donno .. nothing .. well one of such cases I guess is with me, so I can never be sure of this answer. But like the kind of stupid guy I am, I alwayz look for things that are hard for me to get .. be it anything. WHY? Simple, I am a fool.

Neways, somehow now I feel its much better to be PRACTICAL about things, than living in a mist. You know what, I am not someone who I was a year back, sure I am not. I am more of a hard ass guy now. Very hard hearted kinds now. I mean things dont really matter to me much these days.
Should I tell you it is bad. It is.

I don't

2007-08-18T00:22:00.000+05:30

Its hard to understand people.
May be there's something wrong with me. May be it is me who forces in to things most of the time. I brought some stuff from aus for some of the people here, so much for their sake even when they would refuse right on my face that they wanted nothing from me, when asked. To such foolishness that I even refused some of my friends giving a mere excuse that 'weight' is always a big issue while traveling and with airlines. But thats ohk I wanted to bring something, may be just to reflect to them that I wanted to. But not to my utter surprise, firstly I find it hard to locate them, trying to get in contact but all in a misery. Then eventually when this day I happen to catch it, she says 'she doesn't take gifts'. WTF. The sad thing being, I have to mold it neways. Rite. Its not a gift, its a 'soveneir' and obviously its a 'friend-friend' thing, in case you are concerned about it being personal. Finally, she would leave in a frenzy, giving me a fake idea of 'I'll C to have some program to meet'. Dead sure as I am, it wont happen.

Can't you do it the simple way, it takes 2 minutes to plan.

Its a simple reason to say 'I forgot, I am sorry'. May be its right, and I am overstating my insecurity here. But its a time when I have got sick and tired of this game of pretense. What is it that I need to do? Should I jump off a cliff and call out loud that I don't want to be a part of all this anymore?

The point of concern to me is, why is it always the guys game. We are simple human beings, can't you keep this straight. But I am sure a straight 'NO' wont please me either. I mean I am a simple guy ohk, and I can decipher only simple things. What should I take of a normal conversation, like always I do I take it normally, but why is that there are hidden signs of life or signs of something building up? Should I walk out with a board strung all around me 'Looking only for friends, don't be scared please'?

I have been rather bad at relationships, may be just because I don't know this game at all. People who don't testify this is a game and would rather boast that 'it is about truthfulness', I bet my ass there is least of truthfulness involved. Its a test. She (whoever you are) is always testing me for the guy I am. I agree, you wont believe me otherwise initially .. but it is supposed to end some point in time .. shouldnt it? But it doesn't.

I guess I should rather stop bragging. Actually, I am having a bad time handling people around me. Am I at fault if I just want to have a nice simple meeting with someone and just have a good time? My bad luck. Doomed.

Its a bitter sweet symphony this life.

PS: I would change the blog URL Soon to something else .. you can find the new URL at http://dreamzncreams.blogspot.com .

new and old

2007-08-08T16:41:00.000+05:30

I guess a lot of people visiting here have been pissed off lately by the fact of me not posting anything new and surviving with the same mundane, rather stagnant post since ages now. Sorry to one and all for all inconvenience caused. I am a lazy chap so please bear with me. Thanks.

I am back from aus, back to India after a nice 3 months of experience of work, roaming around, fun, boredom, loneliness and a lot more. It was quite a mixed experience. One of my friends asked me lately if I would like to go back to aus again, and would it fascinate me now having been there and done that (not that that what might occur to your mind in the first place :D). I am not sure of it myself. I donno if I even want to be alone anymore be it in India itself. It kills you, from inside. After a long wait I am surrounded by friends and its great fun, but there is a hint of lonliness, longing inside me. How do I get rid of it .. dunno. It happens at times when I am having fun talk with my friendz, that I just laugh out all this weary thoughtfulness and just live by that moment. Its good but not everlasting. Yet again I revert back to music, music that I have missed since last 3 months (some nice bollywood music) .. and music that I have put my hands on while my stay in aus (some very nice aussie bands, specially 'the butterfly effect', who rocked my very first rock concert visit .. cheers to them).

Well most of you reading this might be concerned if I am alright or not? well I am alright forsure and in the best of my senses possible. This weary dull part of life is always there, so you gotta handle it and keep moving on.

I am also fighting a big time bad luck with gals these days. Its hard to figure out how certain things fair out when just don't want things to happen that way (keshi you're a part of this bad luck story too .. hehe .. I just realized .. it wasn't you .. it wasn't me .. it was rather my bad luck going that I could not see you in Sydney :D .. but newyz its fine .. we still have that mystery going on between us .. which is fun .. haha .. cheers). I went to snowy mountains (NEW SOUTH WALES) the day before I was leaving .. so to end this on a happy note .. I would rather post a few pictures ;) .. not sure though if its a treat for few or not .. hehe .. wink wink !!

cheers

ps: I guess this is titled new and old, cause I am still the old lazy, weird guy, but may be (big time may be) a guy with a better composure now (not sure). As alwyz I am never sure of myself.

speechless

2007-07-16T22:05:00.000+05:30

I dont want to sleep .. I want to talk .. talk to someone, someone who laugh at my stupid jokes .. I want to talk abot anything under this world .. but I cant .. I will have to go to sleep invariably.

This is bad.

moments

2007-07-16T15:32:00.000+05:30

Pitt Street, Sydney. I was walking by, rather vulnerable, looking down, not watching my steps, just walking and on a road cross I look up and this gal (Chinese/Japanese .. more so Japanese) gave an awesome look at me, kind of smiled .. I donno at what .. was it me or was she amused by her own thoughts playing something inside her head .. or was that normal ..

It wasn't a normal look by smile for sure, it was something different and something great. And my vulnerability changed to a composer I loved. It was great. Then I was hearing this song today .. and I guess thats pretty much what it was ..

James blunt - You're beautiful

My life is brilliant
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

I think I realized that you need to move on in life and just keep walking, look back even turn back but not at the cost of your own self, live life .. live life .. it's not easy for sure .. just let few things happen to you which can hold you for a moment and make you feel as if you were there for eternity ..

Its all about the moments (good or bad).

working (wink wink)

2007-07-13T07:51:00.001+05:30

click on image to enlarge
Samurai Jack

It was one of my fav series on cartoon network (it is rather). This guy is super HOT for the seriousness that he exhibits, the cornered eye look, walking in the rain with that chinese hat, killing tons of robots, dedication.

So, after lunch I managed to get his GAZE too ..

click on image to enlarge

rude, kind & cute

2007-06-30T20:39:00.000+05:30

This friday night was amazing. It was a mix of a lot of things. Initially, I was planning have a nite hang out in the civic, sit in some nightclub and watch people dance, just like the last time :p .. and had prepared myself by gulping down 3 bottles of beer, not touching them to the tongue to taste them, and in an awe to be unsure and lost, so as to have an adventurous night. Went out at around 10 in the night.I have this ritual that I perform everynight, go around take a round encircling the sydney and melbourne building, see hot(chiks) and huge(their BF's) people gathering in the bars, pubs and nightclubs.
And its hard to figure out which place would make my nightout worthwhile, so I do take a round or two (well .. I am kind of shy to bluntly enter in to them :( ). Somehow this night I was not getting in to the mood of waiting all night, ending up just seeing others dance and having fun .. and then sleeping in my office like a weirdo .. and going back home at around 12 in the afternoon. SO i went back to ANU, picked my bag and headed for the bus stop.

On the bus stop I met this guy from sri lanka and an aussie gal, they were also waiting for the bus. After a while, some bus came and they waived a hand, but it turned out to be the bus they were waiting for, they asked the driver if this would also go their desired destination, he said no and closed the door and went away. Bus drivers are so rude at times. So, I missed my bus. Then this sri lankan guy offers me some money, saying that if you dont have money, take this and catch a cab to go back home. I mean he hardly knew me, we would just talked for 3 - 4 minutes and he was there offering me some money, where he knew that he might not even see me again ever. So, I know two sri lankans now, keshi and this guy, and both have been great. I just told the guy that I would stay back and have some fun in the bars or nightclubs (wink wink).

So finally here I was, with my secret plan coming in to play all of a sudden. I went to the civic, did my ritual of taking a round and then finally entered in to a nightclub called 'SHOOTERS', got somethinf for myself and sat down on the couch ..hehe, yet again watching people dance. After a while, I just managed to dare put my feet on and around the dance floor and started turning and twisting myself. So, for some time I dance alone and it was not too bad too .. atleast I had some fun. Then at somtime the people on the dance floor reduced to only 1 or 2. I went out, and started roaming around, came across one of those singers who sit on streets and sing, and people can appreciate them if they like .. so this guy says to me that he loves singing .. I asked him whats his fav song .. he started singing 'Knocking on Heavens door' .. he sang nicely ..then came another gal and she requested for 'summer time' (some song that I dont know) .. and that turned out to be this guyz fav song too and he sang it nicely too .. I just put in some money in his guitar bag (infact one guy who loved his music .. said 'here man you can have my last 5 dollars' .. great gesture).

Well I went back to the club again, now the dance floor was kicking again. I managed to put my feet there again, and this time caught on to a group of 3 aussie gals and 2 more guyz and we danced .. it was fun .. one of the gals would jus swiiiirl .. and then i would swiiiirl to .. n she would laugh .. hehe .. it was fun .. and in the end ..she said 'you are excelent at dancing' (wink wink .. infact she said it 4 times) .. i donno if she was drunk or not:P

The good thing was that we danced till the final song played by the club and they threw us out .. hehe .. at around 5:15 AM . So, had a great friday night fun.

Conclusion: 'Two gals on the dance floor are better then NONE in the bed' .. lol.

PDA

2007-06-27T10:33:00.000+05:30

Obviously this is not about the techno PDA's, well who talks about them, its boring. This is about something more intersting. PDA as in Public Display of Affection. I see a lot of it since here in australia, partners holding each others hand (which is cute), hugging one another, walking while hugged (tangled .. it is hard though), kissing in public, treating their Bf's or Gf's like new borns, making out in front of people, or just a little touch here and there (or little cuddling) .. have seen all this around me. Well back in india it varies. I mean in smaller cities you wont even see friends holding hands or even in close touch (which at times I feel makes it more uncomfortable to be friends with gals). But in cities with a more accepted and broad mental behavior you can see people walking aroun holding hands or may be hugging one another. Kissing ? Atleast I have seen people doing and yet being not so comfortable about it. People do it, they have been spotted and seen hiding behind some bush in some park (which may be, shows how reserved we are, in terms of sexual expression .. and I am sure that if some of those non-believers would read this .. they would say that I have an effect of the western culture over me .. certainly .. and certainly not .. I used to feel the same in india too .. just that I am saying it now). Making out ?? a bit in the parks again(I havent seen though).

How justified it is? Well its two individuals doing something something to one another (and who knows they are not doing it just for the youth sake.. they might be in love too .. you never know) .. so why should we be concerned about it.
one would say -
Its uncomfortable? lol .. more so because you aint getting a chance haan.. haha

so PDA is good .. great !!
and I .. I crave !! [:P]

I have been caught by this kinkiness lately ..

my bea ee ee eatin heart

2007-06-26T11:22:00.000+05:30

Saturday night I went to the Academy Club in canberra. It was one heck of a club in terms of the kind of people that come there, the interior, the drinks(though i didnt have much of a clue about them and it weird to say 'whats that drink the other guy is having' .. hehe), the bar gals (as in the gals who serve you drinks), the local gals and the music. And i feel it is one of its kind in canberra, though to have that eye catching view you are supposed to fetch out 10$ of your pocket (which is reasonable though). This concept of clubbing is great specially if you have a group and wang to hang out big time and dance your feets to sore, thats the place to be. Not so surprising, I was there alone, all by myself. Just got some drinks to keep myself busy, atleast occupied with something, found a nice cozy couch for myself and just sat there for like eternity. Ya I hardly moved, though the music was appealing. But the idea of randomly dancing on the floor again all by yourself and then people looking at you and shouting 'whos that weirdo breaking bones alone' wasnt much of a fancy. sO i just kept twisting myself on the couch a bit, pretending to enjoy (rather pretending to be one of those guyz who just like to twist only a bit and the couch is fair enough a place for that .. though its the other way round .. I prefer catching the floor rather .. but I am conscious (rather shy) too).

People came by sat along, boys and gals, kissing , making out (indirectly seducing me and making me feel bored :D). Then came these 3 sets of gals (they were completely UN-awesome) and just sat along my side (all 3 were more than double my size), one of them jumped in and started dancing not worrying how ridiculously unhuman it looked (well I dint mind, there were there to enjoy .. but may be not). Then there was this jacket by my side of some guy who just left and went to the dance floor. They picked it up and started checking it out :O .. and that was so weird. Finally when they didnt found any thing worthwhile, one the gals who was sitting next to me (well she was the best one out of the three) says 'Do you mind putting this on the other side of you'.. I said 'ohk.. sure'. Fine I just put it on the other side. Few seconds passed and there she goes again ..'Wont you buy me (may be she said me or me nd my friends .. dint really get it) my weekly drink' .. and very calmly with a stone face I said 'NO'(hehe).. well I was having Smirnoff Ice that time.. may be it got me (but it was more because these gals were punks, bloody thiefs .. there was no point getting looted in the rage of sex .. haha) .. than she's like .. 'ohk'. Than I said .. just in case to be a bit more chivalric (or may be the other way round) .. if you like you can have this (my smirnoff Ice) and so shocking it was .. she took it .. :O .. and then she discussed something with the most wicked of them all .. and returned it back to me .. saying 'its ohk' .. I said 'fine .. your choice' ...

And since they saw no treasure with a rude guy like me .. they just skipped after a while .. but before doing that .. all 3 of them stood up and did that unhuman act of moving their butts around along the music once again (PUKE !!.. haha). That was so weird. The rest of the nite I was just looking at people dancing and with a group of friends sitting next to me .. I realised once again how important it is to be with friends. Well thts not the best lesson to learn while in a club ..hahha .. there are better trades and tricks .. but I guess I will just learn them sometime .. out of the blue. So no worries.

But it was nice .. cause I found a great band for myself.. hehe ..and they rock for sure. Well I am going there again this saturday, ne tips from ne club goers ?? hehe .. I am sure this time its gonna be a more floor twist than a couch twist :P

have a great day
cheers !!

randomness

2007-06-20T18:32:00.000+05:30

What is fun?

It would be interesting to know your views on that.

While I was back in india with my friendz I always used to crave for fun and more and more of it. I used to think that we never do any otu of the BLOCK CRAZY fun, and now being in aus with no friendz to talk to, laugh with or just roam around with I realise that whatever we did in india was great fun. Going for a movie 6 - 9, coming out of the theatre and shouting out loud "that was CRAP" and at the same time planning, "lets go for XYZ 9 -12", the same night. I kind of miss all that.

I guess for me fun is like, yet again doing crazy things, things that would occur to you sometime in the future, and you would just laugh or smile thinking about it, feeling "aah .. those were great times". And i guess I havent had much of that yet (in life). Aus I thought was one of those opportunities, but not much yet again. Newyz .. I havent given up still, lets see if I will end up having some amazingly stupid fun.

Is it necessary to have friendz everywhere you go?
How important is to be 'VERY' social (so that to interact with people your seeing for the first time)?

I guess these questions can have different answers, depends on a persons need. There are a lot of people who can be alone and yet have fun (basically a feeling of satisfaction and contentment). And some people need other people (partners in crime) in order to define fun for themselves. At times its good being alone and at times it is important to have people around you. And life is so random and sarcastic to oneself that things happen at odd times. When you least expect people and dont wish them to be around, you will get chances and find them right there, close to you, and when you would need them the most (i mean like for hang out), it seems your on soem lonesome island which has some weird tribes, whose lingo you dont understand and who are not even interested in having an interaction.

Drink??
I guess that is kind of cheezy!! It is considered to be one of the most authentic and approved of choices of social interaction. May be because people dont restrict themselves (rather they are not at all in order to control or restrict) and let themselves go, be free of what they are or what they want to be, and they can shout, shout about thigns which they fear to talk about, laugh on things that are stupid, cry over and just show ones love for someone (else you just think it to be too obvious to be said explicitly). Hmm so drinks are not too bad at times.

wat else?

whts the best way to having fun in a different country?

I didnt wrote anything since long and wasnt doing anything too, so thoought of writing something random. It seems more like a sad post .. hehe ..

cheers

bike !!

2007-06-07T07:04:00.000+05:30

Paint it greyish white and thats my bike.

I had bought a bike more than a week back, but havent been able to really gather all the additional stuff required, like the lights and lock. And people just scare me that if you ride without the lights theres a fair chance that someone might just run you over. So I thought its better to have a bit of a patience than to be laying on a hospital bed or may not even exist .. haha.

So, finally yesterday I got almost all the stuff and decided to head home at around 10 in the night. I knew it was not a very good idea, but if you realyl want some adventure in a distant land, may be you gotta come up with crazy ideas (that can piss you off as well, if they just dont work fine).

The distance is around 12 - 13 kms. Initially, I was of the thought .. "wat .. I used to cycle around the same distance back in india while in school, and almost daily .. so it doesnt seem to be a big deal .. lets just go for it". I guess thats a perfect example of how things to look really cool from far far away, but when you get close and get down to doing them, its not so cool !!

Bike Bike Bike .. wooosh woooosh .. why is it getting hard .. "fuck .. in india i live on plains .. its bloody UPHILL here :( "

I would have biked just 1 Km, when I couldnt really think of paddling nemore. But at such times I am not much of a 'giveup' person. I thought may be just a bit more and if its not good, I am gonna go back to the uni and catch a bus. So I just moved on again. To help me exhust myself to death and no breath, breaks on the back tyre were doing good too, they would just hug the tyre so close (aah !! did I tell you it was bloody cold too). It was hard to move, but I just kep paddling at a snails pace, just hoping for a downhill soon. The downhill came and I was still crawling, there was a serious problem with the breaks I guess. I just continued pushing myself and the bike ofcourse. At times I would just stop and take a breath .. hehe.

Then I just read this sign, HIGH ACCIDENT PRONE AREA 4 KM (there was a picture of a kangaroo too). I was bloody scared, I was so tired, sweating troughtout. I was scared, what if a kangaroo would just jump over me and start MANEATING me :( .. what if he wanted to bike and couldnt get it from a shop, so he would steal mine, what about 'Kangaroo' thiefs and stalkers .. and all sorts of pshychological fear was gripping me.

After a while, I just stopped and thought seriously of turning back and going back to the uni. But that was a bad idea too, cause I would have to cycle the same distance uphill again. Yet again, I just went on. Finally I came to this bit of downhill road, with the drainage kind of sidepath, which had too sides and both angled in. Einstein just threw some light on me, and I started going up one side and coming down the other, than going up the other side and coming down again ... haha .. I din need to paddle nemore :D

After 1 hr of cycling and a lot of fighting indecision, I finally reached home and I couldnt feel my legs at all.

SO, if you reside in planes, and visit a hilly area, dont even think about cycling as FUN !!

I wole up this morning, and thought may be I should ride back to the uni. " Nah .. No way .. atleast not today" .. So I gave up and caught a bus .. hehe

Cheers
Biking

life !!

2007-05-13T20:52:00.000+05:30

Life bloddy changes in a fraction of a moment.

Yesterday you are high, up above , aiming to fly .. and the birds call you from the distant to join them and off for the seas unknown.

But the next day, the breeze just pulls you down. You stumble and fall. Fall hard. No other option than breaking down and just fall. You are lying there, with nowhere to go .. somtimes for someones haevy load (knowingly or unknowingly) to be crushed, for someones amusement or to be clicked and portrayed as a peice of some representation of some hidden whimsical reason.

Here I am lying all alone !! Clicked !!

Fun fun fun !!

2007-05-11T14:05:00.000+05:30

Have you ever played Frisbee with your professors?? or Have you ever had beer with them??

It was a nice day today. Started with a bit of a work, and then all fun. It was great after the lunch. Dave just have this playing Frisbee thing, its amazing. I was called out too, Alex had a deadline to submit some topics in the conference, we were helping him a bit in that, but man .. forget the deadlines (though we had already done our stuff and given it to him). So out we were in the ANU football ground playing Frisbee (dont really care how its written). I never really thought that Frisbee could possibly tire you a lot and would be such HEAPS (haha .. aussie) of fun. Rob joined us a bit late (man I find this guy amazing, completely amusing and what brain and concepts .. specially during the meetings he just picks the things too well .. ya had a meeting again today wid some people in sydney .. and Rob gave a presentation, and the way he explained gave me an idea, how should one really go about research. He had all the concepts pretty clear in his mind).

Yups, so we had a nice Frisbee time, with random throws, Bizzare throws, the perfect ones and some completely abnormal and funny. Dave almost masters this art of throwing Frisbees at you. In no time I was sweating ( I had my pullover over .. haah funny .. pullover over). But it was fun running around and throwing it back.

We came back and I grabed a sprite ( 1$ mind you .. not for free ) and the very second time, Alex asked "Mind some Beer", oops why did I even spend a dollar man. Well, but then you dont get a chance to have beer with your supervisors (atleast not in india). Cool .. initially peter bought it for us (haha .. beeer for free .. yapieeeeeee). I was a little hazy trying it, cause the farewell hangover somehow was still there. But I just had a go, and my god it was completely different. Not like the ones we get in India. Completely drinkable, nice, well .. I had two glasses .. so it was ohk I guess. And then Tom happen to ask me this question "Which is the best beer that you get in India" .. and I was like Kingfisher (alex confirmed) .. and then may be Hayward. And then peter started telling that "FOSTER" is officially the classical australain beer, but you would hardly find any aussie drinking it. And this beer that we were relishing was the initiative by someone and it turned out great. The amazig thing that he told was that in Australia the beer market is shrinking but for that guy's beer the market is huge and expanding(somthing for the MBA's may be).

Then we just continued having a nice chat. Then the strange thing, peter took out a helmet. My god, i was like peter "Do u ride bikes (in australia by bike you mean, 'Bicycle'). And he was like "Almost daily". And that was cool, here was my professor drinking beer with me, riding bikes and he is the research group leader as well .. woho .. gud god .. thats cool.

Now here I am in the lab alone, writing down all this stuff. I got late yesterday. dont want this to happen today. So I am gonna grab some coffee and head home. So cheers people .. have a great weekend !!

ta ta !!

Random

2007-05-10T19:03:00.000+05:30

The woods are walk through daily since last sunday .. prolly the woods I have roamed around till now.

that is exactly below my office. Can easily spot it out from the window. There was girl trying to study sitting here tdy, and then later a guy smoking here (in style) .. its looks pretty cool from the top. Feels a round table conference for friendz !!

I just happen to visit the ANU Library today, searching for telephone booths. Many Many Happy returns of the day to my Big Bro, his B'day today. Called mom, called Dad and then Bro for somthing like 30 mins (could you find a better son :D). And just few meters away was the Union and the ANU Bar. I could hear the great music being played by some band from the distant. I felt like going in and having a look around or may be just stick my ears to the music, and spot some gals out, but didnt feel like going alone. So, its been 5 days now since I am overseas and sadly so, havent had any fun yet. Have been just moving around from the home to the office and back, having HEAPS (thats a typical Aussie word) of coffee during the day. You can say that I have developed a taste for coffee, I mean if you wont put any milk or any sugar in it I wont mind even a bit. And when enquired from other people here (specially Alex) they just say, if given a chance I would just love to eat the coffe bean directly (Such is the LOVE !!!!).

Went to Catrina's today. Had a nice Pizza with nice Cheese and some special chilly sauce (made out of red chilli and not green, it was amazing). Had a LEGENDARY walk after the food around the campus, with Alex asking me questions if I have done some FUN (In quotes) Programming (Forget it) ever. Well, what can I say, havent really played much, not till now.

AAh!! you just spot people kissing around in the campus, walking hand in hand, its sweet. But the not so good thing is that you dont even have friends (or particularly a Group) to compensate even a bit of it. They have this nice thing of having NO BOUNDARIES or fence constructed around the university. So, if you are new you wont really know, if your in campus or in the city. Its nice to enter from just anywhere you like. No gates, nothing.

ANU is cool. I wonder whats there in the Apple Center, I mean they have got almost evrything which you dream of as a computer Graduate may be.

Well .. abruptly so, but I will take a leave. Cheese !!

Australia

2007-05-08T16:37:00.000+05:30

hi Mates!!

Well may be I didnt let everyone know, and I guess most of my friends might not know as well that I am in Canberra, Australia right now. Well thats not a big deal though .. but ya I thought it would be great to write down my experinces of all the time I am going to be here somewhere, not particularly for someone to read. May be as a travel blog or may just like that.

Well first impression that I had before coming here was that the aussies are generally quite arrogant, and my prof. would be quite an arrogant guy (more so because he holds quite a lot up above his head and he is the research group head as well) but quite contrary to all my beliefs its rather the other way round. I havent find anyone even a bit arrogant, neither on the road, on the buses or in the university. Its nice see people greeting you while you just walk past them, and you hardly know them but it feels great. Its a nice acknowledgement of a community build up may be. Tom next to me office door is a PHD and he said it rightly so 'If you can hold an intelligent conversation nothing better than that'. The very first day I ate a dinosaur cake that he made, well .. not all of it though, I gotta behave right !!

Monday mornings they have this special thing of having coffee together. So before we were abouot to move to the hall, my Prof. (I better call him DAVE now.. he loves it that way)Dave asked me what my family name was cause Anuj Kumar may be sounded a little to generic to him. He asked me ' What would I call you if I were to introduce you to someone' and then I had no distant Idea what was he asking it for. He prepared some coffee for me, brought me to the table abd shouted out to everyone, Hello this is Anuj Panwar, and he would be with us for these 3 months. And I am sure in that room with 10 people, there were present some great scientists with such knowledge so as to stir the very base of any science (May be). So it felt good and great.

Just before I could even find the place I was supposed to be in, I had to roam around a lot (was fun though), met will and sujjane (from UK both Interns), not sure would see them again. But I seriously wonder, the time we go to some other nation people are more interested in proving (prestending .. whatever) to be helpful and probabaly that improves the way I or someone else would view a nation and its people, but most of the times when people come to india, if you would find a 100 to welcome them, you will find a million ready to loot them. Not fair at all.

I mean do we really greet the bus drivers and wave them thank you or Cya while gettin down. I guess we would rather give him a stare. The best thing about australia or may be other nations is that the best service providers here are the government agencies, be it bus service or water or science or research or education. And probably that improves a nations chance to have a great service network in any area.

Landed here this sunday, roamed around with 2 indian students that day itself, and for the ones who dont know, there is nothing that you couldn't get in australia (talking about the indian stuff). Here you will get shops which would provide you rasmalai, rasgulla, samosa, break pakoda and almost evrything. Not that costly as well. So if you come to canberra do visit 'BHARAT', the cheap indian food shop ;)

ANU is great, awesome, just dont have words for it. The time I entered here, I just felt I better take an accomodation in the university. I mean the evnironment is just awesome (or may be I am just excited about it). The very first day had a video conference meeting with my other prof., as he was in Sydney and me in Canberra. The second day attended a class in ANU. The funny thing to note was, people bunk the classes the way it happens in india. The time students come to know its a guest lecture, wooosh .. the turn out is just minimal. I call 40 yr olds by their names, like friends, we chat share things, about each others nation ( they dont look 40 anyway :O ).

The most annoying thing in aus could be, there are these zebra crossing where even if the car or a bus is running at a speed of 100 km/hr and if someone just starts crossing through it, it is bound to stop. That can be frustrating at times I feel. But in other cases, it can also run you over .. hahahahha .. lol

Asutralia is amazingly safe, you know why? You will hardly see anyone around you in the suburbs, neither people nor theifs :P so its just the fear of noone, or the dark may be. I have heard that you can see kangaroos here in any park, havent been to one though, so yet to see one.

Surprising ?? Havent clicked one single pic of mine yet :O

more Surprising ?? A friend of me in Toronto since an year now, reacts and laughs, She hasn't clicker her single pic all the time she has been in toronto :O

what !!

well, I engineered my laptop by wripping off the wire and putting in an aussie switch :D .. well its working :P but i jus realised I need to charge my cell and camera .. I need a convereter neways, I screwed my lappi's look than :(

Time to sleep mates !!
Cheers !!